“You know, the one with the small weiner?”

Dating again after just coming out of a relationship can be a hilarious affair. I am definitely under this impression after numerous conversations with single women in the same position as myself – particularly one conversation. 
I was talking to my friend who had recently gone through a break-up. She was feeling lonely. “Dude, I called that guy…” she said. I asked her what guy. “The one who lives in the other city,” she says. “I think you met him…” she says. “You know, the one with the small weiner,” she adds, impatiently. I was never introduced to that aspect of him, I tell her. Turns out she was calling him and trying to get him to come over from said city to visit. I didn’t ask why. She also tells me when she put up on her Facebook that she was single she got like, 5 guys sending her their numbers – and that this guy was delighted when she called. But he didn’t come over then, and then he never called the next day either, she said. “What’s wrong with me?” she suddenly wailed. I tell her nothing is wrong with her – she is one of most intelligent pretty girls I know (don’t even have to lie, either – is super smart and very pretty, but can’t see it at all).
“Must be because I’m fat,” she adds, in a self-pitying voice. “No one at all fancies me…” She then goes on to tell me the brief story that I already know. Has been dumped by long term beau, has been messing around with someone else who is now showing less enthusiasm to be with her and now guy from past has failed to turn up. This trio of guys proves she is fat and unfanciable. So she is putting her entire self-esteem on the shoulders of three random guys who don’t deserve to have an opinion on her anymore. To me I can see this as being circumstantial, bad luck, and down to the fact that she is rebounding and feeling vunerable and needy. In a few months when she is sexy, confident and happy in herself again – then the guys will flock. Not now while she’s feeling insecure.
“Well you know what they say,” I say in a moment that called for nothing but a great cliche. “The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”
Friend gripes that she is TRYING. Complains guy is too shy – that she wasn’t even looking for commitment or anything serious, just bit of fun. Questions his masculinity on the shagging front.    
In other conversations we discuss the protocols to come to terms with again. Friend spoke of new person she was dating anew after coming out of a long relationship. “Its so stressful you know?” she said. “I mean you can’t fart or anything… its so exhausting staying over - trying not to fart all night,” she said. Equally, I myself find the first dating part the most awkward and hellish. Not only are the nerves I get diabolical, but recently on a first date, when I went to text him to tell him I was wearing a stripy jumper – predicitive text wrote it as “wearing a striptease jumper”. Always a great impression.
We had the conversation about whether or not you can be friends. “He’s an asshole,” my friend announced after three weeks. (I took this as a positive sign she was progressing to the better and easier stage of hate and anger, rather then moping). “I have decided, he is an asshole,” she said calmly. I asked her why. “Well I called him in the middle of the night,” she said, as though this were a perfectly natural and acceptable activity. Secretly feel smug have not sunk to this level in my own life until she reminds me of embarrassing drunken texts, which we read again through tears of laughter and her telling me they are an embarrassment to womankind. Have to agree I am similar to her in my shambolic state. “Anyway,” she continues. “So I called him drunk,” she said. “And he wouldn’t even talk to me?! I mean he says he wants to be friends, but what kind of friend won’t talk to you when you’re upset in the middle of the night? So I asked him. “So, tell me about the new girl you’re having sex with… and he was like awww I dont want to talk about it, I’m going back to sleep – I mean WHAT an asshole right?! You just don’t wanna TALK about it now?!”
“I mean, WHAT kind of a friend does that? I was all eager to tell him about my great new sex life,” she says. “And he didn’t want to hear about that either! So I was like, whatever…”
I think about this for a while. Try and imagine parallel universe where I had done the dumping and for whatever reason and didn’t want to be with someone anymore – and got that call, how would I react? But then I think quite good – perhaps because I am a female, and have alot of empathy for others… And my friend - she was with the guy 10 years, she’s allowed the call if it helps her feel better or get closure somehow!
“And so you know what he says?!!” she continues, embittered and riled up. “You know what the fucking asshole says?!”
I ask her what he said. “He said: I’m going to hang up now. Please don’t kill yourself.”
There was a pause for my reaction, and then her response. “AS IF!!” she says. “As if I would actually KILL myself over HIM! Does he really think he’s that important I’d give up my life for him?!” I tell her men think they are. They like to think we are pining and crying all day and will never be same again after they leave us. ”I am having great time!” she reminds me, telling me again about all of the fun she is having with new guy. I back her up, eager like a puppy with a new ball to once again mention my exciting up and coming third date. 
“Am going to barbeque tomorrow with girls,” she says after a while. “Wonder if that guy with the small weiner will turn up on Saturday…”

Pout and Make-up?

 

My grandmother used to have a saying – “If you’re pretty you don’t need make up, and if you’re ugly it won’t make a difference.” Not sure what she was trying to say to me there. She was probably just trying to get me out of the bathroom. All she wore was a little powder on her face on special occasions and my grandfather John, who absolutely adored she and the ground she walked on,  never thought she needed it. I would love to be that way but I need serious help with my complexion and am just not naturally pretty. 

But weirdly enough although I’m a woman - I have no interest at all in make-up. I wear it every single day – but I treat it as an essential thing. I find it boring to do, but I won’t go out without it unless its just for a walk or jog where I won’t really see anyone. I just think I look a whole load better with it on! I sort of treat it like wearing shoes or clothes! (That said, I wouldn’t go for a naked jog!)

But then yesterday something changed. My friend came over who is obsessed with make up and she ended up giving me a lesson. “Get me all your make-up” she said. I scrambled around for my paltry collection. A nice expensive eyeliner, a black eyeshadow, a gold eye-pencil, a good blusher brush, some bronzer, one three colour palate of brown and cream shadows - one blusher, mascara and foundation. “Is this SERIOUSLY all you have?” she said in total shock. “Uh… yeah?” I said. “I’m not really bothered…” I said. “I just stick to what I know.” (AKA I am like a non-reader to a writer, absolutely weird to someone like my friend who loves make-up). ”Oh yeah hang on, I do have this,” I said producing an untouched bag of Max Factor make up which was sent to me in the post a few weeks ago for being a journalist. She was gobsmacked – taking them out one by one like a magpie “This is UNOPENED?” she says opening a Max Factor smoky eyes double yoke – that looks like a white and black lipstick. I had thought it was if you wanted your make up to be like Kiss, that band from the 80s with the lizard like tongues. 
To be fair I also, until recently thought a primer was a number with no integral factors other than itself and one – and a highlighter was a yellow marker.
“Here give me your face,” she says. I offer my face up, feeling like a child getting their face painted again. “Look up,” she says. She starts doing her work mumbling away about highlighting the brow and then a bit of black here and VOILA!
“Look in the mirror,” she said. I go to inspect myself. My eye is positively HUGE. In fact when I look at both eyes together it makes the other eye now look miniscule – like a shrunken weird and not so pretty version of the new eye. Had I not been walking around with the weird miniscule eyes for the past forever, I might be happy about this new look but start to freak out. “Oh its too late!! I’ve wasted my entire life as a minger!” I fret.
“Oh don’t worry you’re only 25,” says friend. But mentally calculate only have about 20 good years left. Or lets face it… probably about 10 years and then the cruel ageing pattern will start. Men, in the sickening way of the world, only get better looking with age – but we women have to settle for being told we are mingers after about 45.
But perhaps I can be a cougar? I suspect when I am over 30 I will start chasing younger men anyway. But that is neither here nor there if I have miniscule eyes, is it? She gives me all of the names of the eyeshadows, brushes, foundations and powders to get from Mac and Estee Lauder and stuff. For my 26th birthday (cripes! Im like a granny already!) which is a month away – I am going to now ask everyone for Brown Thomas gift vouchers so I can just buy lots and lots of make up! I may not end up like Kate Moss in the end, but it will be alot of fun. I’m sure my grandmother wherever she is, is looking down at me, disgusted!

Always love yourself

Is it narcissistic to confess that I have been enjoying more then just a pinch of the old – me and me bonding time recently? I had forgotten the pleasures of a room, a double bed, food and the Guardian – all of the sections. At my own leisure on a Sunday, I now read the entire magazine front to back – all of the features and columns. I don’t feel guilty that I am not doing anything more productive, just accept that this is me time. I revel in the feeling of the warm cover between my toes. Stretching and turning the page. Not going anywhere, and not trying to please anyone in the entire world but me.

I have to confess, I probably wouldn’t have noticed any of this recently, if I hadn’t have been dumped. Yes, there it is – the confession that I’m not so good at figuring out what the hell I am doing with my life sometimes. There is no doubt that in a relationship we often lose sight of who we are as individuals and it’s often only when experiencing Cuore Depresso, or a broken heart to you and me, that you really and truly start to appreciate yourself again. It also gives way for a lot of productivity (In fact, its rumoured Einstein was going through a break-up when he discovered his theory of relativity).
Free of the love-fuzz that can encompasses everything like sticky, annoying candy-floss; I have found myself becoming something of a human dynamo again (that is, productive, not highly explosive, though probably a bit of both some days).    

 

But should it take a break up for us to learn to appreciate ourselves in all our womanly, goddess-like glory? Why should someone breaking our heart end up making us feel better when we should feel worse? Why can’t we notice these things without the pain?

Perhaps it’s because pain is part of life and healing is a new beginning. I am now taking simple pleasures to a new level. It’s like a religion for the newly single.

Planning my year and what I am going to do, because all I have to think about now is me. As a result I am going on a two week holiday with a friend in May, I’m thinking about moving house soon and making big changes. I am focusing on my career. Doing small things like taking up jogging. Not to mention the laughs I have had on nights out. The soul-searching and deeply touching conversations with friends and family which I would have never had, had this not happened, have been great. The laughter and the crying have been cathartic. The grabbing life by its two balls and feeling the pain – like stubbing your toe and really enjoying every second of it, in a perverse fashion, because at least it reminds you you’re alive. But also how strong that you can survive anything – a reminder of how durable and effective a machine you are, just when you thought you were at your weakest. 

It might also be mentioning for anyone reading who is going through a break-up, it wasn’t always this good – but you do eventually get there so hang in and keep positive (even though for a week or so that information won’t help as your relationship was totally different and special, right? And no two people will ever feel that way about one another like you did?) Yeah, right.

 

It’s all very technical really. And in fact scientists have proved that people going through a break-up experience similar symptoms to a person going through cocaine and heroine withdrawal. The same part of the brain is affected. And when you look at it logically, love is a drug like any of the rest of them.
The terrifying stages of week one and two must not be forgotten in haste, however. The horror that is a broken heart isn’t easy to endure and is no mean feat for the human body to endure (especially when you don’t help your body by starting smoking again, ahem, not that I did.) There’s the racing heart, the sleepless nights, the worry, the stress – the binge drinking… In fact it is probably a lot less palatable then a broken leg or something physical. I do believe I uttered the words “Would rather have been diagnosed with terminal cancer,” which on reflection were something of an exaggeration.

 

But now I’m out of the initial horrendous rollercoaster first week where I resembled something akin to Britney mixed with a Tyrannosaurus Rex and made it to week two – tentative steps to feeling better, less like a Tyrannosaurus, more like a Pterodactyl.

Then, I started to wake up with a strange sense of excitement in the pit of my stomach again. But I couldn’t put my finger on what the feeling was attributed to as I had nothing to be excited about in particular. Then I realised it was remembering how cool and successful I can be on my own. Remembering my own belief systems and what I want from life. Not needing anyone. Not being anxious or scared about losing someone and not spending time analysing things or wondering or worrying about the future.

 

And then I got a call. It was like I had graduated, I was into week three and could move up to the next level – the ‘I still think about it but have a lot of happy points in my day where I can forget,’ stage. One of my closest friends rang me from Germany – her boyfriend of ten years had just dumped her. I listened to the crying and the wailing and the “but he was my best friend” and “but what will I do now” and the “how will I survive the next two weeks?” And it was like looking at myself again but in a time machine – or I suppose, listening to myself back on a Dictaphone, if you want to be less Back to the Future about it.

 I could listen for hours and really empathise and care and understand how she was feeling. She thanked me many times and we are in regular touch now as I help her get through the worst. Friends, I realised, at the most essential for getting through a break-up without breaking-up with yourself and losing the plot.

And as an aside, something else I had been musing – Germaine Greer argued in her book, The Female Eunuch, that women do not realise how much men hate them, and how much they are taught to hate themselves – but is this true?

And if it is, is it possible that men really do hate women are so many male/female relationships doomed to failure?

Today I read a feature that put it all into perspective. There was a woman in her 60s whose late-husband had recently broken her heart from the grave. After their 46 marriage (she had met him when she was just 17) and their four children, he died and then she found a stash of gay porn in his drawer. This rendered her entire marriage, and life, something she no longer recognised – a lie, almost. She had to rethink and alter so many memories of her life with this new information. And now she would never, ever get answers to this violent and heart-wrenchingly betrayal. She spoke about her grief at losing him, together with her grief of whether he had really ever loved her – and in what way, and how he had hid it – her sadness for him having to live a lie and her sense of betrayal that these men in a magazine could do the job which was meant to be reserved for her and only her.

Similarly, although they are different, a broken heart is a broken heart in any form and in some ways all grief must mirror these feelings. Urge for answers – like a compulsive need to search every tiny memory in your brain for clues about why this has really happened so you never need to be this unprepared again. And trying to find reason behind heartbreak and someone hurting you is as cloudy, as lengthy and as utterly tiring as searching for meaning in a poem. You might be right, and you think you’re right – but then you find another angle, someone says something else and you’ve changed your mind in a split second. You’ve gone from finality, to hope, to utter despair again. You go through ups and down and positives and negatives. Eventually, you accept the poem for what it is and you shut the book.

I have had moments where I feel intense anger but mostly I have just been sad. Other moments its like you’re only learning it for the first time and the shock is brutal. Mostly now, after the three weeks I just miss him, but acceptance has started to kick in its own painful way. It will now turn from what feels like vicious stab wounds to a dull ache that will gradually erase and heal itself over time. Until its a memory which makes me feel almost nothing and which I can view with a worldly-wise mix of affection, sadness, happiness and above all, detachment.

I can see now, I was as much the guilty party for letting myself fall into the trap of losing who I was and forgetting to love myself. That was my fault alone. Perhaps I am better single for this reason. I will definitely, if I live long enough of course, love again. And if I go through heartache again it will be just as bloody a battle with myself. But I’ll know the next time perhaps that I’ll be okay. Every relationship is different and thus, every heartbreak different. The worn out cliques don’t cut it – you have to do it in your own time, your own way. There is no ‘right way’ or no rules. Just don’t forget to always, always keep loving number one. Because at the end of the day, what would you be without you?

No Regrets

They say a life without regrets is a life half lived. But when the regret starts to take over, you might want to take a look at how it is affecting your life.

Talk to any group of women and you will find many regrets among them, including disappointment at career choices, past relationships or regrets involving their children.

But is this tendency to beat ourselves up about things really healthy? Can we learn from trying to better our future rather then living in the past?

We talk to Life Coach Louise Nevin, based at Oscailt Integrative Health and Therapy Centre, Dublin, whose job is to help people create an action plan, so they can achieve success on their own terms.

“Anything from relationship, health, career, financial and parenting regrets can dominate our daily thoughts and drain us of energy,” says Louise.  

“Worrying and thinking about the past is a common issue for women who can lack self-confidence in their abilities, which can lead to self-doubt, anxiety and fear of failure.”

And while you might think you’re the only one – you can’t throw a shoe in celeb-ville without hitting a celebrity who wishes they had done things different.

Even legend and singer Cher, 64, who had her first child Chastity at 23, has regrets about how she raised her children.

“I have a lot of regrets about my parenting. Maybe I should have had children when I was older,” says Cher.

“I have been a good mother in fits and starts. But when you do work like mine, and I’m like most working mothers – they never feel like they’re doing a good job because they’re never able to devote enough time.”

Similarly, Sex in the City’s Sarah Jessica Parker has regrets regarding her recent children’s birth and recently spoke of how work interferes with her new family life.

“It’s been amazing but complicated because of my current work schedule, which I have enormous regrets about.”

Louise advises that focusing only on what you could have, should have and would have done ensures you stay stuck in the past and possibly miss out on future opportunities. 

“Do you want to re-live sadness, annoyance, embarrassment, shame and guilt over and over again?” asks Louise.

“Instead, focus your thoughts on what you can do to improve on past decisions, learn from your mistakes and move on.” 

“I encourage clients to step outside their comfort zone and change those habits that are having a negative impact on their lives.”

So how can we do this?

“Developing creative ways of dealing with new challenges,” says Louise.

“Every day I speak to people about what holds them back from achieving the success they want and deserve and the reason I hear most often is, fear,” says Louise.

“Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of hearing no and, yes, even fear of success!  “Focus on reaching the life and career success and happiness you deserve – not on your fear of failure.”

And as the saying goes, it’s better to regret something you have done then something you haven’t.

“It can be difficult to appreciate the good things in life such as a supportive family, good health and a cosy home when you’re full of regret,” says Louise. 

“To achieve success in life and career you must learn from your past, but not dwell on it. Take note of any negative patterns in your behaviour that could be tweaked and move forward with the new knowledge you have gained.”

And Louise has some tips to effectively dealing with your regret. 

“Keep a journal and express how you feel about the regret. This is a good habit to develop to help solve your worry issues.

“Make a list of all possible outcomes of a decision you are about to make. Write down all the pros and cons and prioritise in order of most important.
“Create your life and career vision. Identify your values, develop your short and long term goals, establish what matters most to you, what brings you joy in life and create an action plan to work towards making this vision a reality.

“When we honour our values life is good but working against our life vision can cause worry and regret!”

Ways To Live Longer

Whether you want to live forever or simply be cryogenically frozen like Britney Spears – living past 100 is completely possible in today’s world. But one thing is for certain if you want to be a centenarian or even a supercentenarian (110 and over) you’ll have to ditch the bad habits! We look at a few ways to improve your health and lifestyle to see you living long enough to see the polar ice caps melt…

1. Get laughing
Finally a reason you can have a laugh rather then do the household chores! A good laugh is like a mini-workout – for example 100 to 200 laughs are equivalent to ten minutes of jogging or rowing, according to a US cardiologist, Dr William Fry. Research also shows that chuckling at a good joke lowers levels of stress hormones, and heightens the activity of the body’s natural defensive killer cells and antibodies. A DVD of your favourite comedian might make the Christmas list then…

2. Mum’s the word
Believe it or not, having a stronger bond with your mother could be a way to live longer. A study by the Harvard Medical School found that 91% of people who weren’t close to their mothers developed a serious disease by midlife, including things such as high blood pressure, alcoholism and heart disease. Only 45% of participants who said they had close relationships with their mothers developed these illnesses.

3. Quit smoking
We all know it’s bad for our health but next time you’re sparking up on a cancer stick, remember the ten years of your fabulous life you could most possibly be giving up. Not to mention the risks you are putting on yourself for developing cancer, strokes, heart disease and emphysema. Smoking might be enjoyable but we bet it’s not worth leaving your loved ones behind.

4. Find your soulmate
Although more and more people are choosing to live the single life – studies show it might be better for your health to be living in wedded bliss. According to a study in 2006 by the University of Chicago – married men live on average 10 years longer and women four years longer then their unmarried counterparts. Similarly, single people spend longer in the hospital, have a greater risk of dying after surgery and are more likely to report higher levels of depression and distress. But don’t rush into anything – divorcing increases your risk of dying earlier even more then staying single!

5. Get a pet
There is more then one reason not to give up your pet in the recession! Studies show, having a moggie or faithful four-legged friend at your side can significantly reduce your stress levels. In fact, the survival rate for heart attack victims who had a pet were 28% higher then patients that didn’t – and they provide a welcome boost after a tough day. Dogs bring the best results so get down to your local animal shelter asap and see your stress rates plummeting!

6. Move to the country
The city might be your friend but the big smoke ain’t called that for nothing. Whether it’s the level of pollution or simply the stress of the rat race – people living in rural areas such as Mayo have a higher expectancy then urban Dub’s. And if you’re not a fan of being miles away from the nearest shop don’t worry. Living near a green open space of some sort can have a similar affect!

7. Make things Rosy
It brings a new meaning to ‘a pocket full of posies’. According to research from Rutgers University just looking at flowers can put you in a brighter mood. In three different studies, receiving flowers was shown to have both immediate and long-term positive effects on emotional outlook. You don’t have to wait for your partner to send them either (as this might mean waiting forever), buy them yourself for a quick boost!

8. Go to bed later
Go to bed later or get up earlier! Studies show sleeping more than eight hours a night may reduce your life expectancy. A study in the Archives of General Psychiatry, US, found that those who get only six to seven hours sleep a night live longer. While bed- worshippers who sleep eight hours or more were shown to have a significantly higher death rate, as were those who got less than four hours.

9. Get it on
Its official – bumping uglies is good for your health! Couples with a healthy sex life can look up to seven years younger than those who don’t, according to a study by Dr David Weeks at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital. This is because sex reduces stress, leads to greater contentment and better sleep. And you don’t even have to have a partner to enjoy the benefits – according to stats, orgasm’s (about 100 per year) can increase your life expectancy by up to eight years! Who said staying healthy was boring?

New Year, New Love Prospects

If you’re intent on bagging yourself a beau in time for Valentines Day, it might take more then one or two drunken Saturday nights on the razz to conquer the dating world. After all, when was the last time you read a love story which started with the girl in a dingy club dancing to Shakira? Or even the one where the girl is sat in front of the TV painting her nails, eating chocolate and feeling sorry for herself? So snap out of Bridget Jones mode, grab a few mates and try one of these five dating techniques to find love in the New Year.

Internet Dating

Internet dating has been sold as the great solution to 21st-century loneliness where in a world of infinite possibility, you can meet anyone. This is partly true. While internet dating used to be a signal that you were a bit of weirdo and failing miserably in the social and relationship circle of your life – it has now become the norm.

Research has found that one in five married people between the ages of 19 and 25 met their partner online.

But the people for whom it works seem strikingly similar: they don’t take it too seriously, they aren’t fragile and they aren’t seeking to fill some aching hole in their lives.

If you’re going to go into internet dating go into it with an open mind, don’t believe everything you read and don’t be lured into a false sense of security. Meet somewhere public and tell a friend where you are going. You never know, you could meet the love of your life! 

Speed Dating

Why not try one of the many Speed Dating events organised all over the country and meet 15 or more available men in the one night. This can be the ideal way to meet someone while saving yourself a whole lot of hassle! At three minutes, the dates are too short to have to use the ‘my washing machine blew up’ line and just long enough to spark your interest. Dating expert Simone Bienne says: “In today’s society we spend weeks looking for a car or an apartment but when it comes to relationships we expect it to fall into our laps at 3am on a Saturday night.”

“With speed dating you have a good chance to get up close and personal with different men. Relax and let your body do the talking. If there’s chemistry between you, you’ll know about it.” For more information on some of the events being held around Ireland go to www.speeddater.ie

Sniff Dating 

Put your nose to the test! The rules are similar to any speed dating event – but you must bring a scented item to woo your potential suitors. Daz have dubbed it ‘sniff dating’ and it is highly recommended by former Glamour girl of Brookside and star of the Daz Cleaner Close advert Jennifer Ellison. “I was surprised when I first saw how well this worked!” says Jennifer. “Three in four women wouldn’t give a man a second chance if she didn’t like his smell.” she says. Firstly the daters have one minute each to impress each other by bringing a scented gift such as cake or a flower for their date and then they must bring a smell they think represents them.
“I love seeing daters instantly spark up really intimate conversations based on the topic of scents,” explains Jennifer. “When I first started dating my now husband he use to always chew spearmint gum,” she says. “Even now whenever I smell that scent it gives me goose bumps and reminds me of when we first met!”

Singles Night

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure – so while you might think your mate Dave is totally unfanciable he might be exactly the type of guy one of your girlfriends is looking for. So why not set up your own personal singles night. Choose a pub where you can section off an area. Then ask your single mates to send details of your get together to their extended circle of friends inviting them to the party. Then don your glad rags and wait for the magic to happen. You might be surprised at the amount of single men turn up – and if nothing else, you might make some new friends in the process!

Join a Club 

Its one of the most obvious pieces of advice but don’t forget January is a new term and the ideal time to join a new class or activity. So why not widen your social-circle by joining something that you are genuinely interested in such as dance, cookery, language or music lessons. Clubs usually meet for social drinks too which is the ideal way to make friends with like-minded people. Even if they do turn out to be all girls, the more new friends you make the more chance you have of being introduced to your new friend’s brother, cousin, flatmate and boyfriends friends!

Ways to Stick to Your New Year’s Diet

The weather is miserable, the Christmas cheer has completely passed and you’re looking out to a bleak and dreary January and February. But if that diet resolution you made on New Year’s Eve seems like an impossible dream and you’re finding the biscuit tin just too hard to resist, you’re not alone. More than a third of women on a New Year’s diet are secretly cheating. In fact, according to studies, close to 90% of us admitting to failing on previous January healthy eating plans. But don’t give up. Remember that it’s simply a case of knowing how to tackle the common problems that can derail your diet. So ensure that 2010 is the year you finally stick to your resolutions with the following tips.

1. Unattainable goals

If you think you’re going to lose three dress sizes in a month, never eat chocolate again or spend two hours at the gym every day, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Apart from the fact that losing weight so quickly is not healthy, it’s also relatively impossible. Set yourself more achievable, short-term goals such as a pound a week or fitting into your skinny jeans by March. For example, to lose one pound you must cut back on 3500 calories – this is 500 calories a day for a week. That’s the equivalent of those extra few chocolate digestives and taking a brisk walk every day with a friend. It sounds simple but you could lose a whopping 8 pounds loss in two months.

2. Bingeing in secret

If no one else sees it, it doesn’t count – is the mantra for over a third of dieters. Handbags and drawers were found to be the favourite places to stash supplies of junk food. Some women even admitted to bingeing in their car! Try replacing snacks in the cupboard healthy ¬alternatives, such as nuts, yogurt ricecakes or fruit, so you won’t be tempted to eat in secret. And next time you’re on your own and you grab something fattening to eat, ask yourself: “Would I eat this if someone else was in the room or would I be too embarrassed?” If the answer is yes, then don’t do it!

3. Partner persuasion

It might seem like he’s deliberately tempting you by bringing home that tub of ice cream but it probably hasn’t crossed his mind that his behaviour’s making things difficult for you. So if your partner is in the habit of tucking into a calorie-packed meal right in front of your face, let him know he is sabotaging your attempts to get thin. And why not get your man involved in your new, healthy regime? That way you’ll both feel the benefits and you’ll be able to support each other as a team.

4. Giving up

So you went out for a meal with friends, ate chips and had a glass of wine. But this is not the problem. The problem is when you think: I ate too much on Friday, so I may as well carry on all weekend! To try and solve this, ditch the all or nothing mentality. Don’t use slip-ups as an excuse to give up. Just move on and try harder next time. A study from the International Journal of Obesity found that people with a flexible approach to eating – one that allows for some ‘bad foods’ – were more likely to maintain their weight loss than dieters with an all or nothing strategy.

5. You can’t stop comfort eating

It’s only human to run to food as comfort – since many of our rituals are linked with food from early on in life. You’re not alone if you eat for emotional reasons whether it’s because you’re fed up, lonely, or had a bad day at work. But try choosing food-free mood lifters instead. This could include activities to distract yourself from comfort eating, such as phoning a friend, painting your nails or best of all exercise which will provide you with lots of natural endorphins.

6. You hate gyms

Not all of us are made for gyms. They can be trying places at the best of times. Watching the healthy people jog as you sweat on the treadmill in your old clothes, feeling like an unattractive marshmallow. But sadly, a healthy diet and exercise go hand-in-hand and it’s only that combination which gives great results. You need to find the right exercise for you. Look for local sports teams or dance classes, or simply fit exercise into your daily routine by vacuuming with a bit more vigour, walking to work and taking the stairs instead of the lift!

7. You have health food fatigue

Anyone who tries to stick to a diet of salads and jacket potatoes with cottage cheese, is destined to diet failure, because let’s face it – they’re pretty boring foods to eat every day. The key is to keep eating foods that you and your family love otherwise you will always revert back to your old bad habits. So if Shepherd’s pie is a family favourite, you can still eat it, just tweak the recipe. Use half as much lean mince, half the baked beans, and fill half your plate with steamed green vegetables so you’re eating a smaller portion.

2010 in review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

About 3 million people visit the Taj Mahal every year. This blog was viewed about 34,000 times in 2010. If it were the Taj Mahal, it would take about 4 days for that many people to see it.

In 2010, there were 49 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 94 posts. There were 131 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 13mb. That’s about 3 pictures per week.

The busiest day of the year was October 13th with 487 views. The most popular post that day was Superfoods Diet.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, en.wordpress.com, irishblogs.ie, search.aol.com, and 74.125.67.100.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for watercress, rebecca loos, papaya, fredrik ljungberg, and homeless.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Superfoods Diet January 2010

2

Na Brogaí Deas April 2009
1 comment

3

The Homeless Brave Ireland’s Coldest Weather January 2010

4

The Anniversary of the Berlin Wall… February 2010
1 comment

5

Like Mother Like Daughter February 2010

Can you deal with criticism?

Whether it’s your friend, your family or your partner pointing out your flaws – criticism always stings. None of us like hearing it and most of us don’t like to have to do it. But whatever way you look at it criticism is an essential part of everyday life and improvement.
So how to we cope with criticism without taking it to heart?
“The key is to avoid over analyzing the situation,” explains life coach and trainer Catherine Fitzsimons. “Often we think over and over about things when it is far more useful to move on.”
“Use the Accept, Learn, Change model,” she advises. “Accept your mistakes, Learn from them, Change one or two things that will benefit you going forward.
“Also don’t forget, the use of filters can distort reality. They are what we use to see and understand the world we live in. We are conditioned to use filters and often acquired from our parents and peers however they can stop us from understanding that there are other ways to view the world!” she explains. With that in mind, we look at how to deal with criticism in the situations that matter.

At work

You know the feeling. You’ve tried hard at something but you got it wrong. Or perhaps you think you a task well but someone else disagrees. Then arrives the inevitable tirade of criticism.
“Always be positive and ask for clarity if required,” advises Catherine.
“Ask for time to think, particularly if you feel emotional as often emotions can get in the way of logic. Then try and use the criticism for improvement.
“Always believe you can do something rather than accept you can’t. Notice what happens when you believe you can’t do something and notice the same when you believe you can.  The difference is in your mindset so always try something at least twice before you decide to fail,” she says
But if you think it goes further then helpful criticism Catherine advises another tactic.
“Workplace criticism should always be constructive or if not it should be dealt with by asking the critic to desist. Following that you should seek help through your HR department. Your workplace should have a policy to deal with bullying,” she adds.

From a friend

Friends are usually there to make you feel better and listen to your woes – but sometimes they might criticise you too. There might be a good reason, but nevertheless this can be particularly painful. So how do you cope?
“Remember you can choose your friends so choose carefully,” warns Catherine. “But a good friend might be only trying to help.”
“Ask yourself did you invite criticism?” asks Catherine. “If so you need to be prepared for the truth.
“Remember, when you become aware of something, you can change it so they might be doing you a favour in the long run.
“Take time out to consider the message and separate the facts. Also ask yourself, did your critic have all the facts? If not correct them. Ask yourself if there any learnings that arose from the messages received, if there are then accept, change whatever you need to and move on.”

In a relationship

Receiving criticism from your partner can be extremely troubling, especially if you don’t feel secure in your relationship or are genuinely trying your best. No one can guess how many marriages have been broken up as a result of too much criticism. Catherine has tips on how to deal with it.
“Like other critics such as work colleagues, partners can also be treated with the same set of rules.
“Try not to take their criticism personally and understand the point of reference your partner may be coming from. Is it genuine concern or control? Fact or fiction, reality or filter?”
“If the criticism is pointed towards your looks or personality then it is not a good idea to accept the criticism but may be a reality check to look at the relationship. For instance, is this person really somebody that you want to be with? Does your partner know how their comments affect you? If so, are they willing to change?” 

From family 

Most of us will have received enough criticism from our families to fill an entire book. But is it worth taking all of their criticisms to heart? Catherine looks to the heart of the matter.
“Family, like partners, can often be overly critical and cause a lot of pain and grief,” she says.
“Bullying can often be used sub-consciously or consciously in a struggle for power between family members and is very destructive. Often parents can be totally unaware that they are bullying their offspring in an attempt to re-live their missed dreams.
“But on the other hand, they may be doing it because they care. Try not to take it personally. Determine the facts and use the Accept Learn, Change model if required.
“Treat yourself with love and respect.  Remember, we all have good and bad points so love yourself as much as you would love your own child.”

For more information and advice from Catherine Fitzsimons go to www.catherinefitzsimons.com or email info@catherinefitzsimons.com

846

Panel

How to give criticism – Catherine’s top tips

“Use ‘The Sandwich Technique,’” advises Catherine. “The idea is to deliver your criticism carefully between the slices of bread in a sandwich. The filling is your vehicle for delivering the intended criticism,” she says. 
“Firstly decide what it is you believe your receiver needs to know about their current performance, pick out both good and bad points. After you have formed your list then prioritise exactly what the three things that worked well and three things that didn’t work well. 
“The ‘sandwich technique’ would then be used to deliver two good points about what really worked well, followed by the three things that didn’t work so well.
“Finally you would top your sandwich with the last point on what worked really well,” she adds.

• Never openly criticise, always do in private so the person will not be embarrassed.
• Don’t get personal by criticising someone’s looks or other characteristics of their genetics that they have no control over.
• Use positive language and have some advice ready on suitable resources the person can use to help them improve.
• Be sure your message is well intentioned and will help the person improve if they take your advice on board.
• Don’t over-criticise your receiver with too many points for change. Instead choose one or two points that are top priority.

Living with Aids

Pic posed by model

Most of us probably can’t imagine what it feels like to be told you are HIV positive. But for James O’ Connor his worst nightmare came true in 1991 when at just 27 years of age he was given the horrific news he hoped he’d never hear. “I’ll never forget that weekend,” says James. “The doctor called me into this really cold part of the hospital. I sat down on a chair, he sat on the table and looked me in the eye and then said it, ‘The test has come back, and you’re HIV Positive.’” “It was like a train hitting me full force, on a railway track, on my own, in the middle of the country. I will never forget that – all my plans, everything, slipping away. And then the worst part – how would I tell my family?” James had been sick for a while but he had pushed it to the back of his mind. “I couldn’t face it,” he explains. “In the late 80s HIV meant death – pure and simple.” Having grown up with six siblings on a small farm in the midlands of Ireland, he had taken off for London at the age of 18. It was there, before the age of 21 that he estimates he contracted the virus. At the age of 25 he started to get ill and then by 1991 he had started blacking out. “I had very high blood pressure,” explains James. “I was working very hard. I remember one time driving from Dublin to Cork and I felt a blackout coming on – so I timed it. When I came around it was three hours later.” Finally James went into St. James hospital and was diagnosed with HIV. It was then he had to tell his family. “My twin brother came up to Dublin. That was very difficult because it was like telling a mirror image of yourself that you have Aids. And we both knew that I was probably going to die at that stage. We dealt with it. He was supportive and then I asked him to go home and invite my mother to come up. “When I told my mother I could see the blood draining from her face, she went pure white, but she was supportive in a kind way, without saying too many words. Then she went home and told the rest of my family.” For two years James tried to carry on as normal but it was no use. “I had to retire from work when I was about 29 because I started to become sicker and sicker.” James explains how the physical sickness was not as bad as the mental torment of his disease. “There were two things I had to deal with. One was the physical sickness of going to hospital – the other part was hiding it from people, thinking: what if my neighbours find out in the local town? That was the worst part – the social isolation.” “When I was working in the hospital in 1992, I happened to cut my hand when I was walking through a door. “About ten minutes later I was back in a huge room with lots of people and the supervisor said, ‘James, you left some blood on the door!’” “I calculated that the virus would have died within two minutes so I said, ‘Ah sure wipe it off!’ and he shouted back. ‘F**k off! I don’t want to catch Aids!’ This was in front of 32 people. It was my hell – that was my fear, my stigma, what if people found out – it was utterly hell.” In the Spring of 1997, HAART – the Highly Active Anti-Retroviral, started to kick in he started to feel well again. “When I got well I made a decision. It was then I said I needed support, and it was then that I found Open Heart House.” Founded in 1997, Open Heart House is Ireland’s largest peer support network of HIV positive people. With the support of people in Open Heart House James became more public around his HIV status, however, he still won’t be photographed for the press. “People living with HIV can be your sister your brother, your partner your friend, your employer or your employer or employee,” says James. “ “At that time my self esteem was so low I was dragging it around in a suitcase. Today my self esteem and self confidence is pretty okay thanks to organisations such as Open Heart House. For me, knowing someone finally understood after years of isolation was better then winning the lotto. And for that, I will forever be grateful.” To mark World Aids Day Wednesday 1st December, Open Heart House in partnership with MAC Cosmetics and Abbot Pharmaceuticals took part in a 24 hour Sleep Out in Dublin city centre. For more information go to www.openhearthouse.ie