Always love yourself

Is it narcissistic to confess that I have been enjoying more then just a pinch of the old – me and me bonding time recently? I had forgotten the pleasures of a room, a double bed, food and the Guardian – all of the sections. At my own leisure on a Sunday, I now read the entire magazine front to back – all of the features and columns. I don’t feel guilty that I am not doing anything more productive, just accept that this is me time. I revel in the feeling of the warm cover between my toes. Stretching and turning the page. Not going anywhere, and not trying to please anyone in the entire world but me.

I have to confess, I probably wouldn’t have noticed any of this recently, if I hadn’t have been dumped. Yes, there it is – the confession that I’m not so good at figuring out what the hell I am doing with my life sometimes. There is no doubt that in a relationship we often lose sight of who we are as individuals and it’s often only when experiencing Cuore Depresso, or a broken heart to you and me, that you really and truly start to appreciate yourself again. It also gives way for a lot of productivity (In fact, its rumoured Einstein was going through a break-up when he discovered his theory of relativity).
Free of the love-fuzz that can encompasses everything like sticky, annoying candy-floss; I have found myself becoming something of a human dynamo again (that is, productive, not highly explosive, though probably a bit of both some days).    

 

But should it take a break up for us to learn to appreciate ourselves in all our womanly, goddess-like glory? Why should someone breaking our heart end up making us feel better when we should feel worse? Why can’t we notice these things without the pain?

Perhaps it’s because pain is part of life and healing is a new beginning. I am now taking simple pleasures to a new level. It’s like a religion for the newly single.

Planning my year and what I am going to do, because all I have to think about now is me. As a result I am going on a two week holiday with a friend in May, I’m thinking about moving house soon and making big changes. I am focusing on my career. Doing small things like taking up jogging. Not to mention the laughs I have had on nights out. The soul-searching and deeply touching conversations with friends and family which I would have never had, had this not happened, have been great. The laughter and the crying have been cathartic. The grabbing life by its two balls and feeling the pain – like stubbing your toe and really enjoying every second of it, in a perverse fashion, because at least it reminds you you’re alive. But also how strong that you can survive anything – a reminder of how durable and effective a machine you are, just when you thought you were at your weakest. 

It might also be mentioning for anyone reading who is going through a break-up, it wasn’t always this good – but you do eventually get there so hang in and keep positive (even though for a week or so that information won’t help as your relationship was totally different and special, right? And no two people will ever feel that way about one another like you did?) Yeah, right.

 

It’s all very technical really. And in fact scientists have proved that people going through a break-up experience similar symptoms to a person going through cocaine and heroine withdrawal. The same part of the brain is affected. And when you look at it logically, love is a drug like any of the rest of them.
The terrifying stages of week one and two must not be forgotten in haste, however. The horror that is a broken heart isn’t easy to endure and is no mean feat for the human body to endure (especially when you don’t help your body by starting smoking again, ahem, not that I did.) There’s the racing heart, the sleepless nights, the worry, the stress – the binge drinking… In fact it is probably a lot less palatable then a broken leg or something physical. I do believe I uttered the words “Would rather have been diagnosed with terminal cancer,” which on reflection were something of an exaggeration.

 

But now I’m out of the initial horrendous rollercoaster first week where I resembled something akin to Britney mixed with a Tyrannosaurus Rex and made it to week two – tentative steps to feeling better, less like a Tyrannosaurus, more like a Pterodactyl.

Then, I started to wake up with a strange sense of excitement in the pit of my stomach again. But I couldn’t put my finger on what the feeling was attributed to as I had nothing to be excited about in particular. Then I realised it was remembering how cool and successful I can be on my own. Remembering my own belief systems and what I want from life. Not needing anyone. Not being anxious or scared about losing someone and not spending time analysing things or wondering or worrying about the future.

 

And then I got a call. It was like I had graduated, I was into week three and could move up to the next level – the ‘I still think about it but have a lot of happy points in my day where I can forget,’ stage. One of my closest friends rang me from Germany – her boyfriend of ten years had just dumped her. I listened to the crying and the wailing and the “but he was my best friend” and “but what will I do now” and the “how will I survive the next two weeks?” And it was like looking at myself again but in a time machine – or I suppose, listening to myself back on a Dictaphone, if you want to be less Back to the Future about it.

 I could listen for hours and really empathise and care and understand how she was feeling. She thanked me many times and we are in regular touch now as I help her get through the worst. Friends, I realised, at the most essential for getting through a break-up without breaking-up with yourself and losing the plot.

And as an aside, something else I had been musing – Germaine Greer argued in her book, The Female Eunuch, that women do not realise how much men hate them, and how much they are taught to hate themselves – but is this true?

And if it is, is it possible that men really do hate women are so many male/female relationships doomed to failure?

Today I read a feature that put it all into perspective. There was a woman in her 60s whose late-husband had recently broken her heart from the grave. After their 46 marriage (she had met him when she was just 17) and their four children, he died and then she found a stash of gay porn in his drawer. This rendered her entire marriage, and life, something she no longer recognised – a lie, almost. She had to rethink and alter so many memories of her life with this new information. And now she would never, ever get answers to this violent and heart-wrenchingly betrayal. She spoke about her grief at losing him, together with her grief of whether he had really ever loved her – and in what way, and how he had hid it – her sadness for him having to live a lie and her sense of betrayal that these men in a magazine could do the job which was meant to be reserved for her and only her.

Similarly, although they are different, a broken heart is a broken heart in any form and in some ways all grief must mirror these feelings. Urge for answers – like a compulsive need to search every tiny memory in your brain for clues about why this has really happened so you never need to be this unprepared again. And trying to find reason behind heartbreak and someone hurting you is as cloudy, as lengthy and as utterly tiring as searching for meaning in a poem. You might be right, and you think you’re right – but then you find another angle, someone says something else and you’ve changed your mind in a split second. You’ve gone from finality, to hope, to utter despair again. You go through ups and down and positives and negatives. Eventually, you accept the poem for what it is and you shut the book.

I have had moments where I feel intense anger but mostly I have just been sad. Other moments its like you’re only learning it for the first time and the shock is brutal. Mostly now, after the three weeks I just miss him, but acceptance has started to kick in its own painful way. It will now turn from what feels like vicious stab wounds to a dull ache that will gradually erase and heal itself over time. Until its a memory which makes me feel almost nothing and which I can view with a worldly-wise mix of affection, sadness, happiness and above all, detachment.

I can see now, I was as much the guilty party for letting myself fall into the trap of losing who I was and forgetting to love myself. That was my fault alone. Perhaps I am better single for this reason. I will definitely, if I live long enough of course, love again. And if I go through heartache again it will be just as bloody a battle with myself. But I’ll know the next time perhaps that I’ll be okay. Every relationship is different and thus, every heartbreak different. The worn out cliques don’t cut it – you have to do it in your own time, your own way. There is no ‘right way’ or no rules. Just don’t forget to always, always keep loving number one. Because at the end of the day, what would you be without you?

Pole Fitness

Apart from the fun factor it’s been estimated that beginner pole fitness dancers can lose between 300 and 400 calories per hour! Just Dance, providers of the classes, also claim it is a great toning and cardiovascular exercise. So is pole dancing a whole lot of fun or just a plain stick in the mud? I decided to give it a whirl to find out…

Week One

My friends and I turn up to the trendy venue, located in Annabel’s nightclub at the back of the Burlington hotel, Dublin 4. Most of the girls are between the ages of 16 – 25 and seem excited to try out pole dancing for the first time. Our instructor turns on the music, we do a basic dance warm up and then it is time to grab a pole each – with three girls to each pole. Our teacher demonstrates something called the ankle spin. She looks as though she is floating through the air. When I try the same thing I feel like a koala that has lost its balance on a tree. There is no dignity or self-respect as girls end up on the ground one by one. We learn an entire beginners routine in our first class including a ‘booty pop’ and lots of grips to hold the pole. Decide practising on an empty Luas before next week is a must! 

Week Two

This week we do push ups and sit ups to warm up which are a killer. We add to the routine from last week and learn a move called the attitude knee spin (impossible) and the backward stag. It just gets harder and I don’t seem to have mastered the last bits yet – if anything I am actually a lot worse then I was last week. It is frustrating. The teacher gets us to stand and try and pull ourselves up on the pole without jumping. She tells me if I keep doing this my arms will get stronger. I don’t believe her – my arms are not pulling me anywhere! Instead manage to pull a muscle in my shoulder. My friend gets a few large and painful bruises. On plus side, we learn some sexy moves – bending backwards on floor like goddess. Vow to practice on my friends pole before next week so we can be better then the others.

Week Three

This week we learn, among other things, the squatting thrust and the showgirl pose. Things do start to get a little easier but not much. What people don’t realise about pole dancing is that it’s not as easy as holding onto the monkey bars down the local park. You are mainly relying on upper body strength and also core strength (your stomach) and your legs. If you have none of these pre-requisites the moves are virtually impossible. We have been taught most of the routine now, which involves moves from forward twirls to backwards twirls (my name for them not the official names). Just know most of twirly things hurt my shoulders. The teacher continually tries to show me how to hold on properly but my hands slide down leaving me in a heap on the floor.

Me trying the pole dancing

Week Four

There are genuinely girls in the class who are starting to look professional at this but, sadly, I am not one of them. Some of the girls have at least mastered control of the pole, instead of flailing wildly around it. Even my bessie mate who comes with me has said she is starting to love it. She has mastered the basics and the teacher nods approvingly whenever she passes her. When she passes me, she always comes over and tells me I am doing it wrong. Start to remember why I hated school all those years ago…

Week Five

Today we learn the chair, the carousel and the windmill. Make a breakthrough on some of the moves we learned in the first and second weeks but my windmill looks more like a can-can dancer with a broken foot. After this class I stay back to watch some of the advanced students in progress – they are amazing and definitely something to aspire to in the future!

Week Six

We all dress up for the final day and we have lots of laughs. Have really enjoyed my few weeks pole dancing despite not being able to master as much as I would have hoped. The class is fun and friendly and you always come away feeling like you have achieved something – even if it’s only having laughed until you cried! My advice for any aspiring pole dancers would be to build up fitness and upper body strength to a basic level before you embark on this class. Getting a head start with a few weeks of press ups and weights for your arms will ensure you will get lots more out of your pole fitness classes. And who knows, within weeks you could find yourself twirling away and impressing everyone at the party with your moves!

For more information on the next course of pole dancing lessons with Just Dance go to www.justdance.ie

No Regrets

They say a life without regrets is a life half lived. But when the regret starts to take over, you might want to take a look at how it is affecting your life.

Talk to any group of women and you will find many regrets among them, including disappointment at career choices, past relationships or regrets involving their children.

But is this tendency to beat ourselves up about things really healthy? Can we learn from trying to better our future rather then living in the past?

We talk to Life Coach Louise Nevin, based at Oscailt Integrative Health and Therapy Centre, Dublin, whose job is to help people create an action plan, so they can achieve success on their own terms.

“Anything from relationship, health, career, financial and parenting regrets can dominate our daily thoughts and drain us of energy,” says Louise.  

“Worrying and thinking about the past is a common issue for women who can lack self-confidence in their abilities, which can lead to self-doubt, anxiety and fear of failure.”

And while you might think you’re the only one – you can’t throw a shoe in celeb-ville without hitting a celebrity who wishes they had done things different.

Even legend and singer Cher, 64, who had her first child Chastity at 23, has regrets about how she raised her children.

“I have a lot of regrets about my parenting. Maybe I should have had children when I was older,” says Cher.

“I have been a good mother in fits and starts. But when you do work like mine, and I’m like most working mothers – they never feel like they’re doing a good job because they’re never able to devote enough time.”

Similarly, Sex in the City’s Sarah Jessica Parker has regrets regarding her recent children’s birth and recently spoke of how work interferes with her new family life.

“It’s been amazing but complicated because of my current work schedule, which I have enormous regrets about.”

Louise advises that focusing only on what you could have, should have and would have done ensures you stay stuck in the past and possibly miss out on future opportunities. 

“Do you want to re-live sadness, annoyance, embarrassment, shame and guilt over and over again?” asks Louise.

“Instead, focus your thoughts on what you can do to improve on past decisions, learn from your mistakes and move on.” 

“I encourage clients to step outside their comfort zone and change those habits that are having a negative impact on their lives.”

So how can we do this?

“Developing creative ways of dealing with new challenges,” says Louise.

“Every day I speak to people about what holds them back from achieving the success they want and deserve and the reason I hear most often is, fear,” says Louise.

“Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of hearing no and, yes, even fear of success!  “Focus on reaching the life and career success and happiness you deserve – not on your fear of failure.”

And as the saying goes, it’s better to regret something you have done then something you haven’t.

“It can be difficult to appreciate the good things in life such as a supportive family, good health and a cosy home when you’re full of regret,” says Louise. 

“To achieve success in life and career you must learn from your past, but not dwell on it. Take note of any negative patterns in your behaviour that could be tweaked and move forward with the new knowledge you have gained.”

And Louise has some tips to effectively dealing with your regret. 

“Keep a journal and express how you feel about the regret. This is a good habit to develop to help solve your worry issues.

“Make a list of all possible outcomes of a decision you are about to make. Write down all the pros and cons and prioritise in order of most important.
“Create your life and career vision. Identify your values, develop your short and long term goals, establish what matters most to you, what brings you joy in life and create an action plan to work towards making this vision a reality.

“When we honour our values life is good but working against our life vision can cause worry and regret!”

Ways To Live Longer

Whether you want to live forever or simply be cryogenically frozen like Britney Spears – living past 100 is completely possible in today’s world. But one thing is for certain if you want to be a centenarian or even a supercentenarian (110 and over) you’ll have to ditch the bad habits! We look at a few ways to improve your health and lifestyle to see you living long enough to see the polar ice caps melt…

1. Get laughing
Finally a reason you can have a laugh rather then do the household chores! A good laugh is like a mini-workout – for example 100 to 200 laughs are equivalent to ten minutes of jogging or rowing, according to a US cardiologist, Dr William Fry. Research also shows that chuckling at a good joke lowers levels of stress hormones, and heightens the activity of the body’s natural defensive killer cells and antibodies. A DVD of your favourite comedian might make the Christmas list then…

2. Mum’s the word
Believe it or not, having a stronger bond with your mother could be a way to live longer. A study by the Harvard Medical School found that 91% of people who weren’t close to their mothers developed a serious disease by midlife, including things such as high blood pressure, alcoholism and heart disease. Only 45% of participants who said they had close relationships with their mothers developed these illnesses.

3. Quit smoking
We all know it’s bad for our health but next time you’re sparking up on a cancer stick, remember the ten years of your fabulous life you could most possibly be giving up. Not to mention the risks you are putting on yourself for developing cancer, strokes, heart disease and emphysema. Smoking might be enjoyable but we bet it’s not worth leaving your loved ones behind.

4. Find your soulmate
Although more and more people are choosing to live the single life – studies show it might be better for your health to be living in wedded bliss. According to a study in 2006 by the University of Chicago – married men live on average 10 years longer and women four years longer then their unmarried counterparts. Similarly, single people spend longer in the hospital, have a greater risk of dying after surgery and are more likely to report higher levels of depression and distress. But don’t rush into anything – divorcing increases your risk of dying earlier even more then staying single!

5. Get a pet
There is more then one reason not to give up your pet in the recession! Studies show, having a moggie or faithful four-legged friend at your side can significantly reduce your stress levels. In fact, the survival rate for heart attack victims who had a pet were 28% higher then patients that didn’t – and they provide a welcome boost after a tough day. Dogs bring the best results so get down to your local animal shelter asap and see your stress rates plummeting!

6. Move to the country
The city might be your friend but the big smoke ain’t called that for nothing. Whether it’s the level of pollution or simply the stress of the rat race – people living in rural areas such as Mayo have a higher expectancy then urban Dub’s. And if you’re not a fan of being miles away from the nearest shop don’t worry. Living near a green open space of some sort can have a similar affect!

7. Make things Rosy
It brings a new meaning to ‘a pocket full of posies’. According to research from Rutgers University just looking at flowers can put you in a brighter mood. In three different studies, receiving flowers was shown to have both immediate and long-term positive effects on emotional outlook. You don’t have to wait for your partner to send them either (as this might mean waiting forever), buy them yourself for a quick boost!

8. Go to bed later
Go to bed later or get up earlier! Studies show sleeping more than eight hours a night may reduce your life expectancy. A study in the Archives of General Psychiatry, US, found that those who get only six to seven hours sleep a night live longer. While bed- worshippers who sleep eight hours or more were shown to have a significantly higher death rate, as were those who got less than four hours.

9. Get it on
Its official – bumping uglies is good for your health! Couples with a healthy sex life can look up to seven years younger than those who don’t, according to a study by Dr David Weeks at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital. This is because sex reduces stress, leads to greater contentment and better sleep. And you don’t even have to have a partner to enjoy the benefits – according to stats, orgasm’s (about 100 per year) can increase your life expectancy by up to eight years! Who said staying healthy was boring?

2010 in review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

About 3 million people visit the Taj Mahal every year. This blog was viewed about 34,000 times in 2010. If it were the Taj Mahal, it would take about 4 days for that many people to see it.

In 2010, there were 49 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 94 posts. There were 131 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 13mb. That’s about 3 pictures per week.

The busiest day of the year was October 13th with 487 views. The most popular post that day was Superfoods Diet.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, en.wordpress.com, irishblogs.ie, search.aol.com, and 74.125.67.100.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for watercress, rebecca loos, papaya, fredrik ljungberg, and homeless.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Superfoods Diet January 2010

2

Na Brogaí Deas April 2009
1 comment

3

The Homeless Brave Ireland’s Coldest Weather January 2010

4

The Anniversary of the Berlin Wall… February 2010
1 comment

5

Like Mother Like Daughter February 2010

Can you deal with criticism?

Whether it’s your friend, your family or your partner pointing out your flaws – criticism always stings. None of us like hearing it and most of us don’t like to have to do it. But whatever way you look at it criticism is an essential part of everyday life and improvement.
So how to we cope with criticism without taking it to heart?
“The key is to avoid over analyzing the situation,” explains life coach and trainer Catherine Fitzsimons. “Often we think over and over about things when it is far more useful to move on.”
“Use the Accept, Learn, Change model,” she advises. “Accept your mistakes, Learn from them, Change one or two things that will benefit you going forward.
“Also don’t forget, the use of filters can distort reality. They are what we use to see and understand the world we live in. We are conditioned to use filters and often acquired from our parents and peers however they can stop us from understanding that there are other ways to view the world!” she explains. With that in mind, we look at how to deal with criticism in the situations that matter.

At work

You know the feeling. You’ve tried hard at something but you got it wrong. Or perhaps you think you a task well but someone else disagrees. Then arrives the inevitable tirade of criticism.
“Always be positive and ask for clarity if required,” advises Catherine.
“Ask for time to think, particularly if you feel emotional as often emotions can get in the way of logic. Then try and use the criticism for improvement.
“Always believe you can do something rather than accept you can’t. Notice what happens when you believe you can’t do something and notice the same when you believe you can.  The difference is in your mindset so always try something at least twice before you decide to fail,” she says
But if you think it goes further then helpful criticism Catherine advises another tactic.
“Workplace criticism should always be constructive or if not it should be dealt with by asking the critic to desist. Following that you should seek help through your HR department. Your workplace should have a policy to deal with bullying,” she adds.

From a friend

Friends are usually there to make you feel better and listen to your woes – but sometimes they might criticise you too. There might be a good reason, but nevertheless this can be particularly painful. So how do you cope?
“Remember you can choose your friends so choose carefully,” warns Catherine. “But a good friend might be only trying to help.”
“Ask yourself did you invite criticism?” asks Catherine. “If so you need to be prepared for the truth.
“Remember, when you become aware of something, you can change it so they might be doing you a favour in the long run.
“Take time out to consider the message and separate the facts. Also ask yourself, did your critic have all the facts? If not correct them. Ask yourself if there any learnings that arose from the messages received, if there are then accept, change whatever you need to and move on.”

In a relationship

Receiving criticism from your partner can be extremely troubling, especially if you don’t feel secure in your relationship or are genuinely trying your best. No one can guess how many marriages have been broken up as a result of too much criticism. Catherine has tips on how to deal with it.
“Like other critics such as work colleagues, partners can also be treated with the same set of rules.
“Try not to take their criticism personally and understand the point of reference your partner may be coming from. Is it genuine concern or control? Fact or fiction, reality or filter?”
“If the criticism is pointed towards your looks or personality then it is not a good idea to accept the criticism but may be a reality check to look at the relationship. For instance, is this person really somebody that you want to be with? Does your partner know how their comments affect you? If so, are they willing to change?” 

From family 

Most of us will have received enough criticism from our families to fill an entire book. But is it worth taking all of their criticisms to heart? Catherine looks to the heart of the matter.
“Family, like partners, can often be overly critical and cause a lot of pain and grief,” she says.
“Bullying can often be used sub-consciously or consciously in a struggle for power between family members and is very destructive. Often parents can be totally unaware that they are bullying their offspring in an attempt to re-live their missed dreams.
“But on the other hand, they may be doing it because they care. Try not to take it personally. Determine the facts and use the Accept Learn, Change model if required.
“Treat yourself with love and respect.  Remember, we all have good and bad points so love yourself as much as you would love your own child.”

For more information and advice from Catherine Fitzsimons go to www.catherinefitzsimons.com or email info@catherinefitzsimons.com

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Panel

How to give criticism – Catherine’s top tips

“Use ‘The Sandwich Technique,’” advises Catherine. “The idea is to deliver your criticism carefully between the slices of bread in a sandwich. The filling is your vehicle for delivering the intended criticism,” she says. 
“Firstly decide what it is you believe your receiver needs to know about their current performance, pick out both good and bad points. After you have formed your list then prioritise exactly what the three things that worked well and three things that didn’t work well. 
“The ‘sandwich technique’ would then be used to deliver two good points about what really worked well, followed by the three things that didn’t work so well.
“Finally you would top your sandwich with the last point on what worked really well,” she adds.

• Never openly criticise, always do in private so the person will not be embarrassed.
• Don’t get personal by criticising someone’s looks or other characteristics of their genetics that they have no control over.
• Use positive language and have some advice ready on suitable resources the person can use to help them improve.
• Be sure your message is well intentioned and will help the person improve if they take your advice on board.
• Don’t over-criticise your receiver with too many points for change. Instead choose one or two points that are top priority.

Living with Aids

Pic posed by model

Most of us probably can’t imagine what it feels like to be told you are HIV positive. But for James O’ Connor his worst nightmare came true in 1991 when at just 27 years of age he was given the horrific news he hoped he’d never hear. “I’ll never forget that weekend,” says James. “The doctor called me into this really cold part of the hospital. I sat down on a chair, he sat on the table and looked me in the eye and then said it, ‘The test has come back, and you’re HIV Positive.’” “It was like a train hitting me full force, on a railway track, on my own, in the middle of the country. I will never forget that – all my plans, everything, slipping away. And then the worst part – how would I tell my family?” James had been sick for a while but he had pushed it to the back of his mind. “I couldn’t face it,” he explains. “In the late 80s HIV meant death – pure and simple.” Having grown up with six siblings on a small farm in the midlands of Ireland, he had taken off for London at the age of 18. It was there, before the age of 21 that he estimates he contracted the virus. At the age of 25 he started to get ill and then by 1991 he had started blacking out. “I had very high blood pressure,” explains James. “I was working very hard. I remember one time driving from Dublin to Cork and I felt a blackout coming on – so I timed it. When I came around it was three hours later.” Finally James went into St. James hospital and was diagnosed with HIV. It was then he had to tell his family. “My twin brother came up to Dublin. That was very difficult because it was like telling a mirror image of yourself that you have Aids. And we both knew that I was probably going to die at that stage. We dealt with it. He was supportive and then I asked him to go home and invite my mother to come up. “When I told my mother I could see the blood draining from her face, she went pure white, but she was supportive in a kind way, without saying too many words. Then she went home and told the rest of my family.” For two years James tried to carry on as normal but it was no use. “I had to retire from work when I was about 29 because I started to become sicker and sicker.” James explains how the physical sickness was not as bad as the mental torment of his disease. “There were two things I had to deal with. One was the physical sickness of going to hospital – the other part was hiding it from people, thinking: what if my neighbours find out in the local town? That was the worst part – the social isolation.” “When I was working in the hospital in 1992, I happened to cut my hand when I was walking through a door. “About ten minutes later I was back in a huge room with lots of people and the supervisor said, ‘James, you left some blood on the door!’” “I calculated that the virus would have died within two minutes so I said, ‘Ah sure wipe it off!’ and he shouted back. ‘F**k off! I don’t want to catch Aids!’ This was in front of 32 people. It was my hell – that was my fear, my stigma, what if people found out – it was utterly hell.” In the Spring of 1997, HAART – the Highly Active Anti-Retroviral, started to kick in he started to feel well again. “When I got well I made a decision. It was then I said I needed support, and it was then that I found Open Heart House.” Founded in 1997, Open Heart House is Ireland’s largest peer support network of HIV positive people. With the support of people in Open Heart House James became more public around his HIV status, however, he still won’t be photographed for the press. “People living with HIV can be your sister your brother, your partner your friend, your employer or your employer or employee,” says James. “ “At that time my self esteem was so low I was dragging it around in a suitcase. Today my self esteem and self confidence is pretty okay thanks to organisations such as Open Heart House. For me, knowing someone finally understood after years of isolation was better then winning the lotto. And for that, I will forever be grateful.” To mark World Aids Day Wednesday 1st December, Open Heart House in partnership with MAC Cosmetics and Abbot Pharmaceuticals took part in a 24 hour Sleep Out in Dublin city centre. For more information go to www.openhearthouse.ie

How to Understand a Woman

A year ago I embarked on interviewing many of my female friends and acquaintances and collecting my personal emails towards writing a book about women, dating and relationships. As I have like 3 or 4 books on the go at the moment and very little time to actually write anything that is not helping me eat and pay rent, it will be quite a while before I get this one done. That is unless I stumble into a fairly large some of money (enough to keep me afloat for a whole year)…. which is very unlikely. And well, I want my blog to be the most awesome one around or at least have regular material up on it that people enjoy reading, so I thought I might publish some of it to this blog in the meantime. This part is mainly made up of emails… Names have all been changed or left out to protect identities and quite a few details have also been changed so even if you think you know who the people are, you probably don’t!! (And if you do know them by the tone of their writing then its because you actually know them well enough for them not to mind you reading about their shenanigans… so really iz a catch 22, non?…) Enjoy!

Chapter Two – The Art to Understanding Women

Women are like rubix cubes. One minute you are in their good books and the next, its like playing dodgeball with a bunch of wrenches.
The female rocks effortlessly between venomous bitch and altruistic Mother Theresa type figure almost every day of her life. This dangerous equilibrium means the male must strike when the iron is hot to ensure the woman is agreeable to spending time together.  When a woman is in any of the following moods it is not a good idea to try and ask her out on a date:

 

The Lazy mood

You can usually find these women in any of the following places: in the DVD shop wearing a jogger suit, in Tesco buying chocolate, in the local shop buying chocolate or wine, on the phone, in the Jacuzzi at the local gym.

If you are already lucky enough to be dating this temptress, coax her with tea and offers of a foot massage. The below is an example of the typical characteristics exhibited by women when in the lazy mood:

How’s life? How did Saturday night go? Last week I stayed in bed in my PJs from Thursday night until Saturday afternoon. I only got up for DVD changes, food and toilet. I’m trying to control the chocolate binges because if I don’t you won’t recognise me when I come to visit. I had no chocolate yesterday. I just had apple crumble and custard instead. I think it’s a big improvement myself. It was funny I had to crush sugar cubes with spoons because the custard was horrible. It was hilarious but definitely a ‘be there moment’. Do you have loads of work to be doing? I’m sick of being given projects to do. Its’ probably just laziness though!
We have a bank holiday on Monday which will be good and then we’ll have reading week the next week which is where you can catch up on work and stuff. For me that translates as “WEEK OFF COLLEGE” Anyway I’m gonna go. I’ll ring u soon. PS- Any idea what you want 4 Christmas? Chocolate Santa up your street?(Hint for me: I think this is a good present)

The Extremely Drunk Mood

Drunk women can be subject to many behavioural changes such as dancing and flirtiness (in the early stages) promiscuity, (the middle stages) and the loss of bodily functions (the very late stages). The drunk woman can be a fascinating sight to behold. Rejecting good friends for no reason, fits of tears, violence and ‘falling’ are common occurrences. Women in this state are best left alone, unless to transport them into a taxi or put them to bed and place a bucket beside their bed.

The below is an example of the typical characteristics exhibited by women when drunk:

So we went to ‘Break for the border’ in town. S had driven in n said she wasn’t drinking. Well that plan went to shit after she had her first pint in like 3 months and was very comforted and attracted to its foamy, fizzy consistency. Anyway after a good few pints, I was drunk. They just kept buying rounds. After 1 was consumed, another was poured. Finally, I managed to drag my common sense from my back pocket and refused to drink my next awaiting pint. I shoved it across the bar with a clumsy, drunken gesture. S had it. She was locked!! We went to the loo and she was sitting on the floor, totally disbelieving that she was so drunk. I had been a cunning little fox and had been getting my self glasses of water. It’s a great plan!! I was still as pissed as a fart and couldn’t dance without the aid of a railing to hold me up. When we were at the bar sitting down, I just couldn’t take the non dancing and up I was as quick as a flash dancing away to my hearts content. That started S off as well. We must have looked like complete idiots. You know when your drunk and your in your own little cloudy, world and everything idiotic seems like a good idea, well its a shame you forget bout the sober people just watching with disapproving eyes. Don’t think thought that we were the only drunk one’s. P and G weren’t looking too great themselves. I don’t know how the nipple pinching started. I think they tried to pinch ours first, so what was I supposed to do. RETALITE, that’s what. I hurt them too. Now I’m just thinking “For fuck sake, Why in gods name were up pinching S’s work mate’s nipples??” Ah, seemed a good idea at the time.

 

The Slutty mood 

The slutty mood goes hand in hand with the previous category. Women in the slutty mood, usually have more of their wits about them, but less of their morals. When women are in this mood it is a bad idea to try and get to know them. The best idea in this situation is to get their phone number and text them when they are sober – as they won’t remember you, except as one on a long list of men they seduced that night. Here is an example of how this ordinary girl may behave:

Had a very drunken night last Wednesday. Went out for L’s birthday over here. Got a new dress – looked hot. Was feeling good, was feeling great after the bottle of wine and then was driven into town sitting in front seat on someone’s knee. I swear if the cops had seen us. Couldn’t get into D2 and I think we went to the Craw Daddy. Can’t remember. Lost everyone when I went in so I sat in bathroom quite calmly until one of them needed to pee. I couldn’t believe how drunk I was. I struggled to follow them to the bar and luckily didn’t get a drink. L’s friends from Spain were there. Don’t know if you remember the name C, the really tall guy I scored. Well they were all there but I went and danced with G and scored him (the really short one) Oops. Then later I went and danced with C and scored him… double oops. Then a randomer came up and I jus scored him… triple oops. So then I was standing at the table and was knocked into it, all the drinks all over me (I was worried about a spot of wine earlier ha) and landed on face on couch. Well I tell you, I saw red. I think it was G who bumped into me but whatever snapped in me I just attacked him and had him by the neck and the bouncer had to come over. I mean I’m not violent… God. Then I was dancing on the couch and the bouncer came over again. Surprised he didn’t throw me out. Then I fought with G for the possession of a glow stick. I won of course and started hitting him wit it. Haha he didn’t like me too much anymore. Then I went outside at end of night and saw this guy and was like pointing going ‘I know you!’ and I did. It was M. He was asking bout you and said don’t be a stranger and of course he invited me back to whatever session he had going. Didn’t go. Had to wait on L to get out of her lip-locked state with S and then A going to me ‘we cud have some fun while we’re waiting’. I was like for God’s sake do I need to be anymore of a slut tonight?! So was a good night but really glad don’t see those guys often.

 

The Seductive Mood

Sometimes girls want to do the seducing, but men either just aren’t interested, or just don’t realise they are being seduced. When this happens a women may flirt in a strange way. She may be unkind, she may be nice, or she may choose to completely ignore the subject of her adoration. It is not unknown for men to be completely baffled to find out a women they thought hated them, actually has a huge crush on them. In other cases, it is a lot easier to discern – unless you are more concerned with a burger, as the below example shows:

After the bar closed we all went to the kebab place. It had started to rain and I kept going outside and dancing with a scarf wrapped as a turban on my head to get attention but no one cared. So then everyone left and it was just me and M. He was just enthralled by his burger which he said he had waited three months for, and I asked for a try and he said no.

That almost made me go off him. I know if you like a burger and all but a) I had no food b) I just wanted a tiny taste which wouldn’t make a difference and c) It was raining.

Anyway so M came back to mine to see my room and my paintings. (God P was right, I do come up with lame excuses to get guys to come back to mine!) So anyway we played with F, the rat, for a while and then I showed him my room and my turntables and he stayed for a good ten minutes.

I thought I was getting somewhere because I really fancy this guy! But then he left.

He was like ‘I have to be up at nine’. I was like yeah, whatever. Fine I don’t love you either. Gahh I LOVE YOOOUUUUUU! But why, you can’t leave now, the door is locked! And he was like ‘Er… its open, look’ and I was like ‘Oh. Yeah. Okay sorry.’ Then I had an awful dream that night that we kissed on the top of this huge crane above Lyon in France and then we were about to have sex and I said ‘Wait. I just want to know you’re not just messing around with me and you’re not just using me,’ and he said ‘Hmmmm, well, yeah I kind of was’ and I was like ‘Really? Well I can’t do it then’ and he was like ‘Okay’ and I was like ‘I really like you though. Do you like me at all?’ and he said ‘No, I don’t really, I prefer my burger’ and I was like ‘at all?’ and he was like ‘No, sorry’…

The Phobic Woman – Is that another spider? No wait, it’s only a daddy long-legs… 

If you want to come to a woman rescue, like a Tarzan type figure, a good way to do it is to assume the role of spider remover in her life. Many woman have to fend off spiders for many boyfriend and husbandless years until someone can finally help them, so here is the part you get to play hero. Enjoy it while it lasts.

I went out to take in my washing today and when I brought it into my room and proceeded to put stuff away you will never guess what dropped out of the first skirt I picked up??? A HUGE SPIDER!!!!!! I was in shock!! So I just stood there and wondered how to trap it and put it outside, but then it hid before I had a chance and now I don’t know where it is!

And so I brought the clothes back into the sitting room, picked up the next item (a small white jumper garment), and I shook it…nothing. Shook it again… nothing… shook the sleeve, ANOTHER SPIDER FELL OUT. Smaller but not that small!! So I got a cup and put it over it and then tried to move it outside but when I was tipping the cup outside it got squashed. So anyway by then I was like SUPER PARANOID and on an arachnophobia buzz so I stormed back into my room ripped all the covers off the bed and stripped the sheets looking for Mr. Big Hairy Spider, but couldn’t find him. So then I shook the rest of my clothes and luckily nothing but you never know. And now I’m afraid to go home. I haven’t even got a room to go to where I feel safe, or even a sitting room where I feel safe, and I miss my friends. I want to go home. Or at least a boyfriend who could get rid of the spiders for me.

Lots of love,

Anne Frank

 

(Reply)

 

God it’s been spider central here as well. Mum walked into her room and there was a MASSIVE one just sitting in the middle of the room like it owned the joint. What cheek!! She said the noise of it going up the Hoover was horrible. Even as I sit here and write this email I’m talking to her bout spiders. She’s just uttered the words “We’ve no chance really, there’s so many cracks in the walls”. I feel like I’m in a horror movie. Then we were all in bed last night and I heard mum fidgeting out on the landing and hear the distinct noise of a Hoover been dragged into a bedroom. I lay still. “They’re back” I gulp. So I rush out and there’s mum battling wit another massive spider while dressed in PJ’s. The comic value hit me later. The spider proved too quick so parental unit number two had to get out of bed and get it with a bit of tissue. I stayed calm but rushed back to the sanctity of my own room. Then S said she saw summit scuttle (I HATE THAT WORD) across her floor but couldn’t catch it. I’m next. I know I’m next. GULP!! So if it’s any consolation to you the spiders here are bout twice as big as yours but I suppose a spider is a spider. Anyway enough about this subject. Ps – Mum is now frantically clearing her room of clutter and saying things like “everything in this house is on the floor, that’s the problem” and “is that another spider? No wait, it’s only a daddy long legs”. Oh there’s the Hoover again . . . .

Since I’ve stopped writing bout spiders mum has said the words “tarantula”, “I give up” and “why do u never see the big ones?” I told her that I don’t kill them and it’s just bad karma coming back on her.

 

Social Network… How Facebook Can Ruin Our Dating Lives

Even if we’ve lived most of our lives without it, most of us probably can’t remember what life was like BF or Before Facebook. From the simple status updates to the more extreme and from declarations of love to nasty break-ups, Facebook has become integral in most of our lives.
It now has a staggering 500 million active users worldwide. And while it’s a wonderful way to stay in touch with friends, it’s now a well known fact that Facebook makes dating far more complicated than it used to be. So with the new movie Social Network out next week, we look at how Facebook has made finding security in love more difficult.

1. Overanalyzing

From the smallest update to the fact that he has replied to two other comments but not yours. If you’re already feeling insecure or suspicious, your partner’s Facebook feed can only add fuel to the fire. For example, who are those three girls he has suddenly befriended? And at the risk of sounding like Nikki from BB7 – “Who is she?!” (that girl in the photo your boyfriend was tagged in on his last night out with the lads.)
“Facebook nearly ruined my relationship with my ex,” says Michelle Wright a journalist from Dublin. “I found out he was sneakily exchanging messages with the girl he had been in love with for years and I wasn’t impressed!” As a result Michelle found it was easy to get obsessive. “He’d leave his Facebook open at home and I found myself stalking him to see what they were saying to one another. Eventually I confronted him and we broke up – the trust was totally gone from both sides.” But even if it doesn’t get to this, do you need or want the worry of overanalyzing what everything means?

2. Ghost of the Ex-mas past

Facebook is full of exes. Ex-friends, ex-boyfriends, ex-bosses. So while checking your recent ex-boyfriends page might seem like a devious yet good idea at the time, you’ll only end up hurt. Instead of getting over him, you’ll inevitably spend the rest of the week pining and jealous after you see he’s been flirting with that girl from his work or class who you always hated. “It’s got to a stage that if I break up with a fella and he is on Facebook I delete him straight away,” says Naomi Jessup, 25, from Waterford. “It’s really annoying when they update their status all the time with things like: ‘I’m so in love with my new girl.’ And they put cheesy photos up of the two of them. It’s just sad.” If you don’t want to delete them try clicking ‘hide’ in the news feed until you’re over it and resist checking their page. Or if you’re the dumpee try and restrain your dating comments, at least until your ex recovers.  

3. Jumping the gun

It’s the most classic Facebook dating dilemma: Who makes a relationship official on Facebook first? It’s one of the most awkward milestones but practically mandatory. What if your partner doesn’t like the idea of people knowing his business? It would be embarrassing to declare yourself to be in a relationship if your significant other didn’t reciprocate. And the relationship status dilemma can have other dangers too.
“My boyfriend let me know it was over by changing his Facebook relationship status to single,” says Aoibheann Maher, 21, from Dublin. “Obviously it hurt, it was probably the worst way he could have done it – but the most embarrassing part was everyone else finding out before me.” Then there is the question of soon is it okay to switch back to single when it ends? Doing so right away seems cold, but holding on for too long can make you look like you haven’t accepted the relationship has ended.  

4. Everlasting

Your Facebook profile is a record of everything you’ve done since you created it – try scrolling back and you’ll see. You might be surprised of the things that are still there – angry boyfriend’s posts, maudlin status updates – the whole lot. To make things even more frustrating, you can’t modify the privacy settings for things you’ve already posted. If there’s things you don’t want your new boyfriend to see – you’re better off deleting it or better, don’t put your whole life on there. And don’t assume he won’t scroll back and have a nose. After all, Facebook stalking is the new black  

5. The Jealousy wars

Let’s assume for arguments sake that you are popular girl with an army of guy friends. Perhaps before you met your new boyfriend you had innocent Facebook flirtation with them. But what if your new boyfriend can’t handle it? As a result you might find he becomes very jealous very quickly, ruining an otherwise good relationship. This proves that Facebook brings us too close to people too quickly. The boundaries for new relationships are often crossed too soon. Similar to dating someone who works in your office, you can’t control the exposure you have, and that can be a problem.

Love or Lust?

Whether its Romeo and Juliet or Edward Cullen and Bella, authors have tried for many years to explain love. From the moment lust hits you to the point where you realise they are ‘the one’ – it can be a rollercoaster of emotions. But what is behind the knees weak, beating heart, obsessive feeling? We explore the science behind the mating game…

Lust – Your eyes lock across a crowded room, your heartbeats race and everyone else melts into the background. You’ve just been introduced to this new man but already, you are sure you want to know him better. With your pupils dilated and your heart hammering, you are like animals on the hunt. And you are helped in that mission by nature’s hormone of desire, testosterone. In actual fact, what you are feeling is merely the first stage of lust. According to researchers, it’s the chemicals oestrogen and testosterone that are at work here. Did you ever wonder why you’re attracted to someone who might be good looking but you know isn’t that smart or worse, is completely wrong for you? There’s old crafty lust at work again. It’s a powerful tool which ensures that even if the guy is an axe murderer but he smells good, we head towards reproducing our race with him. And for obeying our lust we get chemical rewards. The state after lustful sex is the same as the state induced by taking opiates. We’re supplied a heady mix of chemical changes from the brain, including increases in the levels of serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin and endogenous opioids (the body’s natural equivalent of heroin). So if you’re ever wondering why you’re feeling drugged on lust, or even slightly addicted, this is the reason. Lust is also very different to the next stages of attraction and attachment. The three stages are so different that it can cause complications. That is the precarious situation of being married to one person, feeling heady romance for another and lusting after a third. Looks like Tiger Woods had an excuse after all.

2) Attraction

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? If you thought lust was fun – attraction is ten times better. This is known in laymen’s terms as ‘the state of being in love’. This is the stuff of Shakespeare – spawning many, love songs sonnets and plays. There are three chemicals at large in the attraction stage. These are adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin. Your blood levels of adrenaline and cortisol increase due to love activating your stress response. This means that when you bump into your new love unexpectedly, or receive a text from them, you start to sweat, your heart races and your mouth goes dry. Studies on newly ‘love struck’ couples also indicated that they had high levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine. This chemical stimulates ‘desire and reward’ by triggering an intense rush of pleasure. It also has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine. (This is why you may find your new lover addictive.) At this stage people often show the signs of surging dopamine: increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and delight in smallest details of this relationship. And finally there is a dip in your serotonin levels. This is one of love’s most important chemicals that may explain why your new lover keeps popping into your thoughts. Researchers have found that the low level of serotonin found in the brain at this stage resembles the level found in people with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). As a result this whole stage is characterised by feelings of exhilaration and obsessive thoughts about the object of one’s affection. You are also more likely to believe that your connection to your new love interest is more special and different then anyone else’s romance. Ever.

 

3) Attachment

Nature is clever. It knows that you are going to be no use raising kids if you are stuck in the attraction stage writing sonnets under trees. You’d probably go off and forget about your kids if you did. That’s why, fortunately for children, parenting restrains dopamine lunacy. This stage is characterised by a feeling of stability and security with a long-term mate. It usually happens after about 2 to 3 years or after you have had a child.
The important chemicals in this stage are vasopressin and oxytoxin. Both of these hormones are released after sex. Their potential role in long-term relationships was discovered when scientists looked at the prairie vole. Prairie voles indulge in far more sex than is strictly necessary for the purposes of reproduction. They also, like humans, form fairly stable pair bonds. Researchers found that when male prairie voles were given a drug that suppressed the effect of vasopressin, the bond with their partner deteriorated as they lost their devotion. Similarly, when human couples become more entwined, hormones can affect them in other ways. For example, even holding a baby can cause a man’s testosterone levels to decrease. But if you’re in a long term relationship its not all doom and gloom – researcher’s have found that attraction can be rekindled by gazing into each other’s eyes during face-to-face conversation, and by taking a holiday or engaging in exciting and novel activities together.

Fact: Did you know people who enjoy regular sex enjoy better cardiovascular health and age better? Studies that show people who make love three times a week or more appear to others to be about a decade younger than they really are.