“You know, the one with the small weiner?”

Dating again after just coming out of a relationship can be a hilarious affair. I am definitely under this impression after numerous conversations with single women in the same position as myself – particularly one conversation. 
I was talking to my friend who had recently gone through a break-up. She was feeling lonely. “Dude, I called that guy…” she said. I asked her what guy. “The one who lives in the other city,” she says. “I think you met him…” she says. “You know, the one with the small weiner,” she adds, impatiently. I was never introduced to that aspect of him, I tell her. Turns out she was calling him and trying to get him to come over from said city to visit. I didn’t ask why. She also tells me when she put up on her Facebook that she was single she got like, 5 guys sending her their numbers – and that this guy was delighted when she called. But he didn’t come over then, and then he never called the next day either, she said. “What’s wrong with me?” she suddenly wailed. I tell her nothing is wrong with her – she is one of most intelligent pretty girls I know (don’t even have to lie, either – is super smart and very pretty, but can’t see it at all).
“Must be because I’m fat,” she adds, in a self-pitying voice. “No one at all fancies me…” She then goes on to tell me the brief story that I already know. Has been dumped by long term beau, has been messing around with someone else who is now showing less enthusiasm to be with her and now guy from past has failed to turn up. This trio of guys proves she is fat and unfanciable. So she is putting her entire self-esteem on the shoulders of three random guys who don’t deserve to have an opinion on her anymore. To me I can see this as being circumstantial, bad luck, and down to the fact that she is rebounding and feeling vunerable and needy. In a few months when she is sexy, confident and happy in herself again – then the guys will flock. Not now while she’s feeling insecure.
“Well you know what they say,” I say in a moment that called for nothing but a great cliche. “The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”
Friend gripes that she is TRYING. Complains guy is too shy – that she wasn’t even looking for commitment or anything serious, just bit of fun. Questions his masculinity on the shagging front.    
In other conversations we discuss the protocols to come to terms with again. Friend spoke of new person she was dating anew after coming out of a long relationship. “Its so stressful you know?” she said. “I mean you can’t fart or anything… its so exhausting staying over - trying not to fart all night,” she said. Equally, I myself find the first dating part the most awkward and hellish. Not only are the nerves I get diabolical, but recently on a first date, when I went to text him to tell him I was wearing a stripy jumper – predicitive text wrote it as “wearing a striptease jumper”. Always a great impression.
We had the conversation about whether or not you can be friends. “He’s an asshole,” my friend announced after three weeks. (I took this as a positive sign she was progressing to the better and easier stage of hate and anger, rather then moping). “I have decided, he is an asshole,” she said calmly. I asked her why. “Well I called him in the middle of the night,” she said, as though this were a perfectly natural and acceptable activity. Secretly feel smug have not sunk to this level in my own life until she reminds me of embarrassing drunken texts, which we read again through tears of laughter and her telling me they are an embarrassment to womankind. Have to agree I am similar to her in my shambolic state. “Anyway,” she continues. “So I called him drunk,” she said. “And he wouldn’t even talk to me?! I mean he says he wants to be friends, but what kind of friend won’t talk to you when you’re upset in the middle of the night? So I asked him. “So, tell me about the new girl you’re having sex with… and he was like awww I dont want to talk about it, I’m going back to sleep – I mean WHAT an asshole right?! You just don’t wanna TALK about it now?!”
“I mean, WHAT kind of a friend does that? I was all eager to tell him about my great new sex life,” she says. “And he didn’t want to hear about that either! So I was like, whatever…”
I think about this for a while. Try and imagine parallel universe where I had done the dumping and for whatever reason and didn’t want to be with someone anymore – and got that call, how would I react? But then I think quite good – perhaps because I am a female, and have alot of empathy for others… And my friend - she was with the guy 10 years, she’s allowed the call if it helps her feel better or get closure somehow!
“And so you know what he says?!!” she continues, embittered and riled up. “You know what the fucking asshole says?!”
I ask her what he said. “He said: I’m going to hang up now. Please don’t kill yourself.”
There was a pause for my reaction, and then her response. “AS IF!!” she says. “As if I would actually KILL myself over HIM! Does he really think he’s that important I’d give up my life for him?!” I tell her men think they are. They like to think we are pining and crying all day and will never be same again after they leave us. ”I am having great time!” she reminds me, telling me again about all of the fun she is having with new guy. I back her up, eager like a puppy with a new ball to once again mention my exciting up and coming third date. 
“Am going to barbeque tomorrow with girls,” she says after a while. “Wonder if that guy with the small weiner will turn up on Saturday…”

Just Friends?

A friend has recently started a form of relationship… she is friends with a guy she has known for months, but now with a bit on the side. (Fries with your helping of friend, anyone?) The girl had just been dumped and was heartbroken and upset. At a loss at who to turn to she began to spend more and more time with this guy. They talked together and he listened to her woes and troubles. And then one fateful night they got drunk and it turned into more.
Would be it awkward? She asked herself. But then they talked. No it shouldn’t be weird, they decided, they should stay friends. They were mature adults, and plus, they got on so well together.  
But that night was fun, she thought secretly. And maybe she liked that? But no, it really couldn’t and wouldn’t happen again. Why risk the friendship?
It happened again of course, despite their best efforts. 
They talked about it the next day and decided they shouldn’t fight it, that it could be friends AND fun. So they bought a toothbrush for her in the local supermarket together, as he gave her a wink and a smile. “So is this an invitation to come around anytime?” she asked. He agreed it was.
They’re both journalists and read the papers together in bed. They talk, laugh and get on amazing. Have a great time in the sack, spend lots of time together - but its NOT, I repeat not ”A Relationship”. That’s what both of them say because neither of them want one at the moment…   
But does friends with benefits ever work? 
Two years ago I embarked on a friends with benefits relationship with a co-journalist-in-training. We were both far too busy for a relationship. The weeks consisted of getting up early and finishing late – with lots of pressure to study, practice shorthand and find stories from our patch of the city in our free time. Weekends consisted of partying heavily, studying, doing things around the house and calling the parents at home. I barely had time to eat and at one point in the year I remember looking at my bedroom – which at that point was beginning to resemble hiroshima, and at my hair in the mirror which was like a detainee in Guantamo bay and I thought, wow, the relationship thing isn’t even on the cards right now (I did tidy the room when the friend in question came around, just in case you’re wondering).
That was great fun. It consisted of long chats, a DVD and a bit of extra curricular ”Master’s work”. It wasn’t a relationship, but it did end in tears – taking a few weeks for the friendship to emerge from a gamut of emotions – mainly nothing more serious then hurt pride. But the friendship is still there - strong and functional and now neither of us have any feelings in ‘that way’ whatsoever for one another. But were we lucky? Can friends that still fancy one another work out? Many friendships are completely decimated by the overwhelming emotions that intense closeness of this kind can bring. Whether or not women choose to accept this fact – it is almost impossible for a women to have a no strings anything, until they simply are not that into the guy. And this is rare. In my opinion (and I could be wrong) in most cases, if a woman wants to sleep with a man, she would have a relationship with him. Maybe not a good one, and maybe not a lasting one – but she would probably give it a try if she fancied him and enjoyed his company. Whereas most men won’t – they need the chemistry and ‘the spark’ (that said, men are like taxis, you just need to get them when they are available and their light is a’ flashin’)
Similarly can you be friends with an ex that you still fancy? We mostly want to be friends when we finish with someone unless they are violent, controlling or a total ass. It’s hard to just cut a very nice person completely out of your life, especially someone who you thought you could have spent the rest of your entire life with. Ending a love story is painful, however – and friendship can sometimes only elict more emotional suffering and reminders of what you no longer share together.
So is it less painful to simply cut your losses and move on – or should you hold onto some of the great parts that you still have? Some can be closer then others with their exes but I think several things are essential for it to work.

1. TIME – If it was a short relationship and neither of you fell in love – friends is possible again quite soon after - weeks or even days. After a few months you may even be able to talk about new relationships openly and have the banter again as though nothing ever happened. After a longer or more intense relationship that involved love, I think  it takes more effort not to hurt one another. Coffee a few weeks later, being careful not to mention any new people on the scene – sticking to work, banter and travel plan chat is safest. Followed by coffee every few weeks or months. Mentioning new relationships might be okay after about a year but you’ll never be able to talk about them in great detail until you are sure that the other person is completely, completely over you.  The odd phone call, text or email and coffee, I believe, can work if you both want it to work enough.

2. A GOOD BREAK-UP – This means nothing got too bad before you ended it. Throwing pots and pans, physical violence and nastry, unforgivable words can all do it. Some insults you can never come back from. If you are doing the breaking up – it can be useful to try and not do it like a complete douche if you want to stay friends with said guy/girl. Giving them a dignified meet up to break it to them gently is always good. Letting them be angry with you and letting them hate you for a while (not being defensive) is great too. Explaining to them the reasons in as much detail as possible for your decision and then sticking to it - not going back on it (at least anytime soon, or until the reasons or circumstances you gave them might have changed). Then you have to be prepared for them to ask again and again to explain why, why, why - as they struggle to understand your reasons and go through the ups and downs of the grief. Don’t be a fairweather friend if you want them to stay a friend – you enjoyed them at their best, now help them a little through their worst. Then let them come back to you. Unless you have the intention of trying to get back with them, it is unwise to ring them first to organise the coffee after you have dumped them – it will only give them hope you want them back, and this is mean!  However, if either party got too hurt – then you are probably better forgetting about it - as the one who got hurt may not be able to be friends with you without without resenting you.

3. GENUINE COMPATIBILTY - Some people were never meant to be friends – they ended up friends out of convenience, timing and chance. They might be from similar backgrounds but have completely different interests, morals and viewpoints and rarely really ‘get’ one another. Similarly, you might seem so different to someone on the surface, have different careers and have been raised in different ways, but end up being best friends because your way of seeing life is so similar and your morals, values and humour so alike. Relationships of convenience mirror friendships of convenience. They are useful and enjoyable – they help the two people through a time in their life where they need one another. Often its because the people have similar needs and wants (marraige and kids) and are willing to settle. Often when the relationships that were built on lust or convenience end and the pain of the break has subsided you think – why the hell did I ever date that person in the first place?! They were so not my type.
Sometimes you meet someone who you have a deep connection with and who you get on with fabulously – and you have lots and lots in common and the conversation always flows. These relationships can turn into friendships, because perhaps you may have been friends anyway – or for some reason it is another reason keeping you apart from a relationships (one of you wants marraige and kids, the other doesn’t – or something similar).

Whatever way you look at it though – relationships are complicated. The best thing to do is to enjoy them for what they are. Who knows? Maybe friends with benefits could turn into real love someday…
 

Always love yourself

Is it narcissistic to confess that I have been enjoying more then just a pinch of the old – me and me bonding time recently? I had forgotten the pleasures of a room, a double bed, food and the Guardian – all of the sections. At my own leisure on a Sunday, I now read the entire magazine front to back – all of the features and columns. I don’t feel guilty that I am not doing anything more productive, just accept that this is me time. I revel in the feeling of the warm cover between my toes. Stretching and turning the page. Not going anywhere, and not trying to please anyone in the entire world but me.

I have to confess, I probably wouldn’t have noticed any of this recently, if I hadn’t have been dumped. Yes, there it is – the confession that I’m not so good at figuring out what the hell I am doing with my life sometimes. There is no doubt that in a relationship we often lose sight of who we are as individuals and it’s often only when experiencing Cuore Depresso, or a broken heart to you and me, that you really and truly start to appreciate yourself again. It also gives way for a lot of productivity (In fact, its rumoured Einstein was going through a break-up when he discovered his theory of relativity).
Free of the love-fuzz that can encompasses everything like sticky, annoying candy-floss; I have found myself becoming something of a human dynamo again (that is, productive, not highly explosive, though probably a bit of both some days).    

 

But should it take a break up for us to learn to appreciate ourselves in all our womanly, goddess-like glory? Why should someone breaking our heart end up making us feel better when we should feel worse? Why can’t we notice these things without the pain?

Perhaps it’s because pain is part of life and healing is a new beginning. I am now taking simple pleasures to a new level. It’s like a religion for the newly single.

Planning my year and what I am going to do, because all I have to think about now is me. As a result I am going on a two week holiday with a friend in May, I’m thinking about moving house soon and making big changes. I am focusing on my career. Doing small things like taking up jogging. Not to mention the laughs I have had on nights out. The soul-searching and deeply touching conversations with friends and family which I would have never had, had this not happened, have been great. The laughter and the crying have been cathartic. The grabbing life by its two balls and feeling the pain – like stubbing your toe and really enjoying every second of it, in a perverse fashion, because at least it reminds you you’re alive. But also how strong that you can survive anything – a reminder of how durable and effective a machine you are, just when you thought you were at your weakest. 

It might also be mentioning for anyone reading who is going through a break-up, it wasn’t always this good – but you do eventually get there so hang in and keep positive (even though for a week or so that information won’t help as your relationship was totally different and special, right? And no two people will ever feel that way about one another like you did?) Yeah, right.

 

It’s all very technical really. And in fact scientists have proved that people going through a break-up experience similar symptoms to a person going through cocaine and heroine withdrawal. The same part of the brain is affected. And when you look at it logically, love is a drug like any of the rest of them.
The terrifying stages of week one and two must not be forgotten in haste, however. The horror that is a broken heart isn’t easy to endure and is no mean feat for the human body to endure (especially when you don’t help your body by starting smoking again, ahem, not that I did.) There’s the racing heart, the sleepless nights, the worry, the stress – the binge drinking… In fact it is probably a lot less palatable then a broken leg or something physical. I do believe I uttered the words “Would rather have been diagnosed with terminal cancer,” which on reflection were something of an exaggeration.

 

But now I’m out of the initial horrendous rollercoaster first week where I resembled something akin to Britney mixed with a Tyrannosaurus Rex and made it to week two – tentative steps to feeling better, less like a Tyrannosaurus, more like a Pterodactyl.

Then, I started to wake up with a strange sense of excitement in the pit of my stomach again. But I couldn’t put my finger on what the feeling was attributed to as I had nothing to be excited about in particular. Then I realised it was remembering how cool and successful I can be on my own. Remembering my own belief systems and what I want from life. Not needing anyone. Not being anxious or scared about losing someone and not spending time analysing things or wondering or worrying about the future.

 

And then I got a call. It was like I had graduated, I was into week three and could move up to the next level – the ‘I still think about it but have a lot of happy points in my day where I can forget,’ stage. One of my closest friends rang me from Germany – her boyfriend of ten years had just dumped her. I listened to the crying and the wailing and the “but he was my best friend” and “but what will I do now” and the “how will I survive the next two weeks?” And it was like looking at myself again but in a time machine – or I suppose, listening to myself back on a Dictaphone, if you want to be less Back to the Future about it.

 I could listen for hours and really empathise and care and understand how she was feeling. She thanked me many times and we are in regular touch now as I help her get through the worst. Friends, I realised, at the most essential for getting through a break-up without breaking-up with yourself and losing the plot.

And as an aside, something else I had been musing – Germaine Greer argued in her book, The Female Eunuch, that women do not realise how much men hate them, and how much they are taught to hate themselves – but is this true?

And if it is, is it possible that men really do hate women are so many male/female relationships doomed to failure?

Today I read a feature that put it all into perspective. There was a woman in her 60s whose late-husband had recently broken her heart from the grave. After their 46 marriage (she had met him when she was just 17) and their four children, he died and then she found a stash of gay porn in his drawer. This rendered her entire marriage, and life, something she no longer recognised – a lie, almost. She had to rethink and alter so many memories of her life with this new information. And now she would never, ever get answers to this violent and heart-wrenchingly betrayal. She spoke about her grief at losing him, together with her grief of whether he had really ever loved her – and in what way, and how he had hid it – her sadness for him having to live a lie and her sense of betrayal that these men in a magazine could do the job which was meant to be reserved for her and only her.

Similarly, although they are different, a broken heart is a broken heart in any form and in some ways all grief must mirror these feelings. Urge for answers – like a compulsive need to search every tiny memory in your brain for clues about why this has really happened so you never need to be this unprepared again. And trying to find reason behind heartbreak and someone hurting you is as cloudy, as lengthy and as utterly tiring as searching for meaning in a poem. You might be right, and you think you’re right – but then you find another angle, someone says something else and you’ve changed your mind in a split second. You’ve gone from finality, to hope, to utter despair again. You go through ups and down and positives and negatives. Eventually, you accept the poem for what it is and you shut the book.

I have had moments where I feel intense anger but mostly I have just been sad. Other moments its like you’re only learning it for the first time and the shock is brutal. Mostly now, after the three weeks I just miss him, but acceptance has started to kick in its own painful way. It will now turn from what feels like vicious stab wounds to a dull ache that will gradually erase and heal itself over time. Until its a memory which makes me feel almost nothing and which I can view with a worldly-wise mix of affection, sadness, happiness and above all, detachment.

I can see now, I was as much the guilty party for letting myself fall into the trap of losing who I was and forgetting to love myself. That was my fault alone. Perhaps I am better single for this reason. I will definitely, if I live long enough of course, love again. And if I go through heartache again it will be just as bloody a battle with myself. But I’ll know the next time perhaps that I’ll be okay. Every relationship is different and thus, every heartbreak different. The worn out cliques don’t cut it – you have to do it in your own time, your own way. There is no ‘right way’ or no rules. Just don’t forget to always, always keep loving number one. Because at the end of the day, what would you be without you?

New Year, New Love Prospects

If you’re intent on bagging yourself a beau in time for Valentines Day, it might take more then one or two drunken Saturday nights on the razz to conquer the dating world. After all, when was the last time you read a love story which started with the girl in a dingy club dancing to Shakira? Or even the one where the girl is sat in front of the TV painting her nails, eating chocolate and feeling sorry for herself? So snap out of Bridget Jones mode, grab a few mates and try one of these five dating techniques to find love in the New Year.

Internet Dating

Internet dating has been sold as the great solution to 21st-century loneliness where in a world of infinite possibility, you can meet anyone. This is partly true. While internet dating used to be a signal that you were a bit of weirdo and failing miserably in the social and relationship circle of your life – it has now become the norm.

Research has found that one in five married people between the ages of 19 and 25 met their partner online.

But the people for whom it works seem strikingly similar: they don’t take it too seriously, they aren’t fragile and they aren’t seeking to fill some aching hole in their lives.

If you’re going to go into internet dating go into it with an open mind, don’t believe everything you read and don’t be lured into a false sense of security. Meet somewhere public and tell a friend where you are going. You never know, you could meet the love of your life! 

Speed Dating

Why not try one of the many Speed Dating events organised all over the country and meet 15 or more available men in the one night. This can be the ideal way to meet someone while saving yourself a whole lot of hassle! At three minutes, the dates are too short to have to use the ‘my washing machine blew up’ line and just long enough to spark your interest. Dating expert Simone Bienne says: “In today’s society we spend weeks looking for a car or an apartment but when it comes to relationships we expect it to fall into our laps at 3am on a Saturday night.”

“With speed dating you have a good chance to get up close and personal with different men. Relax and let your body do the talking. If there’s chemistry between you, you’ll know about it.” For more information on some of the events being held around Ireland go to www.speeddater.ie

Sniff Dating 

Put your nose to the test! The rules are similar to any speed dating event – but you must bring a scented item to woo your potential suitors. Daz have dubbed it ‘sniff dating’ and it is highly recommended by former Glamour girl of Brookside and star of the Daz Cleaner Close advert Jennifer Ellison. “I was surprised when I first saw how well this worked!” says Jennifer. “Three in four women wouldn’t give a man a second chance if she didn’t like his smell.” she says. Firstly the daters have one minute each to impress each other by bringing a scented gift such as cake or a flower for their date and then they must bring a smell they think represents them.
“I love seeing daters instantly spark up really intimate conversations based on the topic of scents,” explains Jennifer. “When I first started dating my now husband he use to always chew spearmint gum,” she says. “Even now whenever I smell that scent it gives me goose bumps and reminds me of when we first met!”

Singles Night

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure – so while you might think your mate Dave is totally unfanciable he might be exactly the type of guy one of your girlfriends is looking for. So why not set up your own personal singles night. Choose a pub where you can section off an area. Then ask your single mates to send details of your get together to their extended circle of friends inviting them to the party. Then don your glad rags and wait for the magic to happen. You might be surprised at the amount of single men turn up – and if nothing else, you might make some new friends in the process!

Join a Club 

Its one of the most obvious pieces of advice but don’t forget January is a new term and the ideal time to join a new class or activity. So why not widen your social-circle by joining something that you are genuinely interested in such as dance, cookery, language or music lessons. Clubs usually meet for social drinks too which is the ideal way to make friends with like-minded people. Even if they do turn out to be all girls, the more new friends you make the more chance you have of being introduced to your new friend’s brother, cousin, flatmate and boyfriends friends!

Can you deal with criticism?

Whether it’s your friend, your family or your partner pointing out your flaws – criticism always stings. None of us like hearing it and most of us don’t like to have to do it. But whatever way you look at it criticism is an essential part of everyday life and improvement.
So how to we cope with criticism without taking it to heart?
“The key is to avoid over analyzing the situation,” explains life coach and trainer Catherine Fitzsimons. “Often we think over and over about things when it is far more useful to move on.”
“Use the Accept, Learn, Change model,” she advises. “Accept your mistakes, Learn from them, Change one or two things that will benefit you going forward.
“Also don’t forget, the use of filters can distort reality. They are what we use to see and understand the world we live in. We are conditioned to use filters and often acquired from our parents and peers however they can stop us from understanding that there are other ways to view the world!” she explains. With that in mind, we look at how to deal with criticism in the situations that matter.

At work

You know the feeling. You’ve tried hard at something but you got it wrong. Or perhaps you think you a task well but someone else disagrees. Then arrives the inevitable tirade of criticism.
“Always be positive and ask for clarity if required,” advises Catherine.
“Ask for time to think, particularly if you feel emotional as often emotions can get in the way of logic. Then try and use the criticism for improvement.
“Always believe you can do something rather than accept you can’t. Notice what happens when you believe you can’t do something and notice the same when you believe you can.  The difference is in your mindset so always try something at least twice before you decide to fail,” she says
But if you think it goes further then helpful criticism Catherine advises another tactic.
“Workplace criticism should always be constructive or if not it should be dealt with by asking the critic to desist. Following that you should seek help through your HR department. Your workplace should have a policy to deal with bullying,” she adds.

From a friend

Friends are usually there to make you feel better and listen to your woes – but sometimes they might criticise you too. There might be a good reason, but nevertheless this can be particularly painful. So how do you cope?
“Remember you can choose your friends so choose carefully,” warns Catherine. “But a good friend might be only trying to help.”
“Ask yourself did you invite criticism?” asks Catherine. “If so you need to be prepared for the truth.
“Remember, when you become aware of something, you can change it so they might be doing you a favour in the long run.
“Take time out to consider the message and separate the facts. Also ask yourself, did your critic have all the facts? If not correct them. Ask yourself if there any learnings that arose from the messages received, if there are then accept, change whatever you need to and move on.”

In a relationship

Receiving criticism from your partner can be extremely troubling, especially if you don’t feel secure in your relationship or are genuinely trying your best. No one can guess how many marriages have been broken up as a result of too much criticism. Catherine has tips on how to deal with it.
“Like other critics such as work colleagues, partners can also be treated with the same set of rules.
“Try not to take their criticism personally and understand the point of reference your partner may be coming from. Is it genuine concern or control? Fact or fiction, reality or filter?”
“If the criticism is pointed towards your looks or personality then it is not a good idea to accept the criticism but may be a reality check to look at the relationship. For instance, is this person really somebody that you want to be with? Does your partner know how their comments affect you? If so, are they willing to change?” 

From family 

Most of us will have received enough criticism from our families to fill an entire book. But is it worth taking all of their criticisms to heart? Catherine looks to the heart of the matter.
“Family, like partners, can often be overly critical and cause a lot of pain and grief,” she says.
“Bullying can often be used sub-consciously or consciously in a struggle for power between family members and is very destructive. Often parents can be totally unaware that they are bullying their offspring in an attempt to re-live their missed dreams.
“But on the other hand, they may be doing it because they care. Try not to take it personally. Determine the facts and use the Accept Learn, Change model if required.
“Treat yourself with love and respect.  Remember, we all have good and bad points so love yourself as much as you would love your own child.”

For more information and advice from Catherine Fitzsimons go to www.catherinefitzsimons.com or email info@catherinefitzsimons.com

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How to give criticism – Catherine’s top tips

“Use ‘The Sandwich Technique,’” advises Catherine. “The idea is to deliver your criticism carefully between the slices of bread in a sandwich. The filling is your vehicle for delivering the intended criticism,” she says. 
“Firstly decide what it is you believe your receiver needs to know about their current performance, pick out both good and bad points. After you have formed your list then prioritise exactly what the three things that worked well and three things that didn’t work well. 
“The ‘sandwich technique’ would then be used to deliver two good points about what really worked well, followed by the three things that didn’t work so well.
“Finally you would top your sandwich with the last point on what worked really well,” she adds.

• Never openly criticise, always do in private so the person will not be embarrassed.
• Don’t get personal by criticising someone’s looks or other characteristics of their genetics that they have no control over.
• Use positive language and have some advice ready on suitable resources the person can use to help them improve.
• Be sure your message is well intentioned and will help the person improve if they take your advice on board.
• Don’t over-criticise your receiver with too many points for change. Instead choose one or two points that are top priority.

How to Understand a Woman

A year ago I embarked on interviewing many of my female friends and acquaintances and collecting my personal emails towards writing a book about women, dating and relationships. As I have like 3 or 4 books on the go at the moment and very little time to actually write anything that is not helping me eat and pay rent, it will be quite a while before I get this one done. That is unless I stumble into a fairly large some of money (enough to keep me afloat for a whole year)…. which is very unlikely. And well, I want my blog to be the most awesome one around or at least have regular material up on it that people enjoy reading, so I thought I might publish some of it to this blog in the meantime. This part is mainly made up of emails… Names have all been changed or left out to protect identities and quite a few details have also been changed so even if you think you know who the people are, you probably don’t!! (And if you do know them by the tone of their writing then its because you actually know them well enough for them not to mind you reading about their shenanigans… so really iz a catch 22, non?…) Enjoy!

Chapter Two – The Art to Understanding Women

Women are like rubix cubes. One minute you are in their good books and the next, its like playing dodgeball with a bunch of wrenches.
The female rocks effortlessly between venomous bitch and altruistic Mother Theresa type figure almost every day of her life. This dangerous equilibrium means the male must strike when the iron is hot to ensure the woman is agreeable to spending time together.  When a woman is in any of the following moods it is not a good idea to try and ask her out on a date:

 

The Lazy mood

You can usually find these women in any of the following places: in the DVD shop wearing a jogger suit, in Tesco buying chocolate, in the local shop buying chocolate or wine, on the phone, in the Jacuzzi at the local gym.

If you are already lucky enough to be dating this temptress, coax her with tea and offers of a foot massage. The below is an example of the typical characteristics exhibited by women when in the lazy mood:

How’s life? How did Saturday night go? Last week I stayed in bed in my PJs from Thursday night until Saturday afternoon. I only got up for DVD changes, food and toilet. I’m trying to control the chocolate binges because if I don’t you won’t recognise me when I come to visit. I had no chocolate yesterday. I just had apple crumble and custard instead. I think it’s a big improvement myself. It was funny I had to crush sugar cubes with spoons because the custard was horrible. It was hilarious but definitely a ‘be there moment’. Do you have loads of work to be doing? I’m sick of being given projects to do. Its’ probably just laziness though!
We have a bank holiday on Monday which will be good and then we’ll have reading week the next week which is where you can catch up on work and stuff. For me that translates as “WEEK OFF COLLEGE” Anyway I’m gonna go. I’ll ring u soon. PS- Any idea what you want 4 Christmas? Chocolate Santa up your street?(Hint for me: I think this is a good present)

The Extremely Drunk Mood

Drunk women can be subject to many behavioural changes such as dancing and flirtiness (in the early stages) promiscuity, (the middle stages) and the loss of bodily functions (the very late stages). The drunk woman can be a fascinating sight to behold. Rejecting good friends for no reason, fits of tears, violence and ‘falling’ are common occurrences. Women in this state are best left alone, unless to transport them into a taxi or put them to bed and place a bucket beside their bed.

The below is an example of the typical characteristics exhibited by women when drunk:

So we went to ‘Break for the border’ in town. S had driven in n said she wasn’t drinking. Well that plan went to shit after she had her first pint in like 3 months and was very comforted and attracted to its foamy, fizzy consistency. Anyway after a good few pints, I was drunk. They just kept buying rounds. After 1 was consumed, another was poured. Finally, I managed to drag my common sense from my back pocket and refused to drink my next awaiting pint. I shoved it across the bar with a clumsy, drunken gesture. S had it. She was locked!! We went to the loo and she was sitting on the floor, totally disbelieving that she was so drunk. I had been a cunning little fox and had been getting my self glasses of water. It’s a great plan!! I was still as pissed as a fart and couldn’t dance without the aid of a railing to hold me up. When we were at the bar sitting down, I just couldn’t take the non dancing and up I was as quick as a flash dancing away to my hearts content. That started S off as well. We must have looked like complete idiots. You know when your drunk and your in your own little cloudy, world and everything idiotic seems like a good idea, well its a shame you forget bout the sober people just watching with disapproving eyes. Don’t think thought that we were the only drunk one’s. P and G weren’t looking too great themselves. I don’t know how the nipple pinching started. I think they tried to pinch ours first, so what was I supposed to do. RETALITE, that’s what. I hurt them too. Now I’m just thinking “For fuck sake, Why in gods name were up pinching S’s work mate’s nipples??” Ah, seemed a good idea at the time.

 

The Slutty mood 

The slutty mood goes hand in hand with the previous category. Women in the slutty mood, usually have more of their wits about them, but less of their morals. When women are in this mood it is a bad idea to try and get to know them. The best idea in this situation is to get their phone number and text them when they are sober – as they won’t remember you, except as one on a long list of men they seduced that night. Here is an example of how this ordinary girl may behave:

Had a very drunken night last Wednesday. Went out for L’s birthday over here. Got a new dress – looked hot. Was feeling good, was feeling great after the bottle of wine and then was driven into town sitting in front seat on someone’s knee. I swear if the cops had seen us. Couldn’t get into D2 and I think we went to the Craw Daddy. Can’t remember. Lost everyone when I went in so I sat in bathroom quite calmly until one of them needed to pee. I couldn’t believe how drunk I was. I struggled to follow them to the bar and luckily didn’t get a drink. L’s friends from Spain were there. Don’t know if you remember the name C, the really tall guy I scored. Well they were all there but I went and danced with G and scored him (the really short one) Oops. Then later I went and danced with C and scored him… double oops. Then a randomer came up and I jus scored him… triple oops. So then I was standing at the table and was knocked into it, all the drinks all over me (I was worried about a spot of wine earlier ha) and landed on face on couch. Well I tell you, I saw red. I think it was G who bumped into me but whatever snapped in me I just attacked him and had him by the neck and the bouncer had to come over. I mean I’m not violent… God. Then I was dancing on the couch and the bouncer came over again. Surprised he didn’t throw me out. Then I fought with G for the possession of a glow stick. I won of course and started hitting him wit it. Haha he didn’t like me too much anymore. Then I went outside at end of night and saw this guy and was like pointing going ‘I know you!’ and I did. It was M. He was asking bout you and said don’t be a stranger and of course he invited me back to whatever session he had going. Didn’t go. Had to wait on L to get out of her lip-locked state with S and then A going to me ‘we cud have some fun while we’re waiting’. I was like for God’s sake do I need to be anymore of a slut tonight?! So was a good night but really glad don’t see those guys often.

 

The Seductive Mood

Sometimes girls want to do the seducing, but men either just aren’t interested, or just don’t realise they are being seduced. When this happens a women may flirt in a strange way. She may be unkind, she may be nice, or she may choose to completely ignore the subject of her adoration. It is not unknown for men to be completely baffled to find out a women they thought hated them, actually has a huge crush on them. In other cases, it is a lot easier to discern – unless you are more concerned with a burger, as the below example shows:

After the bar closed we all went to the kebab place. It had started to rain and I kept going outside and dancing with a scarf wrapped as a turban on my head to get attention but no one cared. So then everyone left and it was just me and M. He was just enthralled by his burger which he said he had waited three months for, and I asked for a try and he said no.

That almost made me go off him. I know if you like a burger and all but a) I had no food b) I just wanted a tiny taste which wouldn’t make a difference and c) It was raining.

Anyway so M came back to mine to see my room and my paintings. (God P was right, I do come up with lame excuses to get guys to come back to mine!) So anyway we played with F, the rat, for a while and then I showed him my room and my turntables and he stayed for a good ten minutes.

I thought I was getting somewhere because I really fancy this guy! But then he left.

He was like ‘I have to be up at nine’. I was like yeah, whatever. Fine I don’t love you either. Gahh I LOVE YOOOUUUUUU! But why, you can’t leave now, the door is locked! And he was like ‘Er… its open, look’ and I was like ‘Oh. Yeah. Okay sorry.’ Then I had an awful dream that night that we kissed on the top of this huge crane above Lyon in France and then we were about to have sex and I said ‘Wait. I just want to know you’re not just messing around with me and you’re not just using me,’ and he said ‘Hmmmm, well, yeah I kind of was’ and I was like ‘Really? Well I can’t do it then’ and he was like ‘Okay’ and I was like ‘I really like you though. Do you like me at all?’ and he said ‘No, I don’t really, I prefer my burger’ and I was like ‘at all?’ and he was like ‘No, sorry’…

The Phobic Woman – Is that another spider? No wait, it’s only a daddy long-legs… 

If you want to come to a woman rescue, like a Tarzan type figure, a good way to do it is to assume the role of spider remover in her life. Many woman have to fend off spiders for many boyfriend and husbandless years until someone can finally help them, so here is the part you get to play hero. Enjoy it while it lasts.

I went out to take in my washing today and when I brought it into my room and proceeded to put stuff away you will never guess what dropped out of the first skirt I picked up??? A HUGE SPIDER!!!!!! I was in shock!! So I just stood there and wondered how to trap it and put it outside, but then it hid before I had a chance and now I don’t know where it is!

And so I brought the clothes back into the sitting room, picked up the next item (a small white jumper garment), and I shook it…nothing. Shook it again… nothing… shook the sleeve, ANOTHER SPIDER FELL OUT. Smaller but not that small!! So I got a cup and put it over it and then tried to move it outside but when I was tipping the cup outside it got squashed. So anyway by then I was like SUPER PARANOID and on an arachnophobia buzz so I stormed back into my room ripped all the covers off the bed and stripped the sheets looking for Mr. Big Hairy Spider, but couldn’t find him. So then I shook the rest of my clothes and luckily nothing but you never know. And now I’m afraid to go home. I haven’t even got a room to go to where I feel safe, or even a sitting room where I feel safe, and I miss my friends. I want to go home. Or at least a boyfriend who could get rid of the spiders for me.

Lots of love,

Anne Frank

 

(Reply)

 

God it’s been spider central here as well. Mum walked into her room and there was a MASSIVE one just sitting in the middle of the room like it owned the joint. What cheek!! She said the noise of it going up the Hoover was horrible. Even as I sit here and write this email I’m talking to her bout spiders. She’s just uttered the words “We’ve no chance really, there’s so many cracks in the walls”. I feel like I’m in a horror movie. Then we were all in bed last night and I heard mum fidgeting out on the landing and hear the distinct noise of a Hoover been dragged into a bedroom. I lay still. “They’re back” I gulp. So I rush out and there’s mum battling wit another massive spider while dressed in PJ’s. The comic value hit me later. The spider proved too quick so parental unit number two had to get out of bed and get it with a bit of tissue. I stayed calm but rushed back to the sanctity of my own room. Then S said she saw summit scuttle (I HATE THAT WORD) across her floor but couldn’t catch it. I’m next. I know I’m next. GULP!! So if it’s any consolation to you the spiders here are bout twice as big as yours but I suppose a spider is a spider. Anyway enough about this subject. Ps – Mum is now frantically clearing her room of clutter and saying things like “everything in this house is on the floor, that’s the problem” and “is that another spider? No wait, it’s only a daddy long legs”. Oh there’s the Hoover again . . . .

Since I’ve stopped writing bout spiders mum has said the words “tarantula”, “I give up” and “why do u never see the big ones?” I told her that I don’t kill them and it’s just bad karma coming back on her.

 

Social Network… How Facebook Can Ruin Our Dating Lives

Even if we’ve lived most of our lives without it, most of us probably can’t remember what life was like BF or Before Facebook. From the simple status updates to the more extreme and from declarations of love to nasty break-ups, Facebook has become integral in most of our lives.
It now has a staggering 500 million active users worldwide. And while it’s a wonderful way to stay in touch with friends, it’s now a well known fact that Facebook makes dating far more complicated than it used to be. So with the new movie Social Network out next week, we look at how Facebook has made finding security in love more difficult.

1. Overanalyzing

From the smallest update to the fact that he has replied to two other comments but not yours. If you’re already feeling insecure or suspicious, your partner’s Facebook feed can only add fuel to the fire. For example, who are those three girls he has suddenly befriended? And at the risk of sounding like Nikki from BB7 – “Who is she?!” (that girl in the photo your boyfriend was tagged in on his last night out with the lads.)
“Facebook nearly ruined my relationship with my ex,” says Michelle Wright a journalist from Dublin. “I found out he was sneakily exchanging messages with the girl he had been in love with for years and I wasn’t impressed!” As a result Michelle found it was easy to get obsessive. “He’d leave his Facebook open at home and I found myself stalking him to see what they were saying to one another. Eventually I confronted him and we broke up – the trust was totally gone from both sides.” But even if it doesn’t get to this, do you need or want the worry of overanalyzing what everything means?

2. Ghost of the Ex-mas past

Facebook is full of exes. Ex-friends, ex-boyfriends, ex-bosses. So while checking your recent ex-boyfriends page might seem like a devious yet good idea at the time, you’ll only end up hurt. Instead of getting over him, you’ll inevitably spend the rest of the week pining and jealous after you see he’s been flirting with that girl from his work or class who you always hated. “It’s got to a stage that if I break up with a fella and he is on Facebook I delete him straight away,” says Naomi Jessup, 25, from Waterford. “It’s really annoying when they update their status all the time with things like: ‘I’m so in love with my new girl.’ And they put cheesy photos up of the two of them. It’s just sad.” If you don’t want to delete them try clicking ‘hide’ in the news feed until you’re over it and resist checking their page. Or if you’re the dumpee try and restrain your dating comments, at least until your ex recovers.  

3. Jumping the gun

It’s the most classic Facebook dating dilemma: Who makes a relationship official on Facebook first? It’s one of the most awkward milestones but practically mandatory. What if your partner doesn’t like the idea of people knowing his business? It would be embarrassing to declare yourself to be in a relationship if your significant other didn’t reciprocate. And the relationship status dilemma can have other dangers too.
“My boyfriend let me know it was over by changing his Facebook relationship status to single,” says Aoibheann Maher, 21, from Dublin. “Obviously it hurt, it was probably the worst way he could have done it – but the most embarrassing part was everyone else finding out before me.” Then there is the question of soon is it okay to switch back to single when it ends? Doing so right away seems cold, but holding on for too long can make you look like you haven’t accepted the relationship has ended.  

4. Everlasting

Your Facebook profile is a record of everything you’ve done since you created it – try scrolling back and you’ll see. You might be surprised of the things that are still there – angry boyfriend’s posts, maudlin status updates – the whole lot. To make things even more frustrating, you can’t modify the privacy settings for things you’ve already posted. If there’s things you don’t want your new boyfriend to see – you’re better off deleting it or better, don’t put your whole life on there. And don’t assume he won’t scroll back and have a nose. After all, Facebook stalking is the new black  

5. The Jealousy wars

Let’s assume for arguments sake that you are popular girl with an army of guy friends. Perhaps before you met your new boyfriend you had innocent Facebook flirtation with them. But what if your new boyfriend can’t handle it? As a result you might find he becomes very jealous very quickly, ruining an otherwise good relationship. This proves that Facebook brings us too close to people too quickly. The boundaries for new relationships are often crossed too soon. Similar to dating someone who works in your office, you can’t control the exposure you have, and that can be a problem.

Love or Lust?

Whether its Romeo and Juliet or Edward Cullen and Bella, authors have tried for many years to explain love. From the moment lust hits you to the point where you realise they are ‘the one’ – it can be a rollercoaster of emotions. But what is behind the knees weak, beating heart, obsessive feeling? We explore the science behind the mating game…

Lust – Your eyes lock across a crowded room, your heartbeats race and everyone else melts into the background. You’ve just been introduced to this new man but already, you are sure you want to know him better. With your pupils dilated and your heart hammering, you are like animals on the hunt. And you are helped in that mission by nature’s hormone of desire, testosterone. In actual fact, what you are feeling is merely the first stage of lust. According to researchers, it’s the chemicals oestrogen and testosterone that are at work here. Did you ever wonder why you’re attracted to someone who might be good looking but you know isn’t that smart or worse, is completely wrong for you? There’s old crafty lust at work again. It’s a powerful tool which ensures that even if the guy is an axe murderer but he smells good, we head towards reproducing our race with him. And for obeying our lust we get chemical rewards. The state after lustful sex is the same as the state induced by taking opiates. We’re supplied a heady mix of chemical changes from the brain, including increases in the levels of serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin and endogenous opioids (the body’s natural equivalent of heroin). So if you’re ever wondering why you’re feeling drugged on lust, or even slightly addicted, this is the reason. Lust is also very different to the next stages of attraction and attachment. The three stages are so different that it can cause complications. That is the precarious situation of being married to one person, feeling heady romance for another and lusting after a third. Looks like Tiger Woods had an excuse after all.

2) Attraction

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? If you thought lust was fun – attraction is ten times better. This is known in laymen’s terms as ‘the state of being in love’. This is the stuff of Shakespeare – spawning many, love songs sonnets and plays. There are three chemicals at large in the attraction stage. These are adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin. Your blood levels of adrenaline and cortisol increase due to love activating your stress response. This means that when you bump into your new love unexpectedly, or receive a text from them, you start to sweat, your heart races and your mouth goes dry. Studies on newly ‘love struck’ couples also indicated that they had high levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine. This chemical stimulates ‘desire and reward’ by triggering an intense rush of pleasure. It also has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine. (This is why you may find your new lover addictive.) At this stage people often show the signs of surging dopamine: increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and delight in smallest details of this relationship. And finally there is a dip in your serotonin levels. This is one of love’s most important chemicals that may explain why your new lover keeps popping into your thoughts. Researchers have found that the low level of serotonin found in the brain at this stage resembles the level found in people with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). As a result this whole stage is characterised by feelings of exhilaration and obsessive thoughts about the object of one’s affection. You are also more likely to believe that your connection to your new love interest is more special and different then anyone else’s romance. Ever.

 

3) Attachment

Nature is clever. It knows that you are going to be no use raising kids if you are stuck in the attraction stage writing sonnets under trees. You’d probably go off and forget about your kids if you did. That’s why, fortunately for children, parenting restrains dopamine lunacy. This stage is characterised by a feeling of stability and security with a long-term mate. It usually happens after about 2 to 3 years or after you have had a child.
The important chemicals in this stage are vasopressin and oxytoxin. Both of these hormones are released after sex. Their potential role in long-term relationships was discovered when scientists looked at the prairie vole. Prairie voles indulge in far more sex than is strictly necessary for the purposes of reproduction. They also, like humans, form fairly stable pair bonds. Researchers found that when male prairie voles were given a drug that suppressed the effect of vasopressin, the bond with their partner deteriorated as they lost their devotion. Similarly, when human couples become more entwined, hormones can affect them in other ways. For example, even holding a baby can cause a man’s testosterone levels to decrease. But if you’re in a long term relationship its not all doom and gloom – researcher’s have found that attraction can be rekindled by gazing into each other’s eyes during face-to-face conversation, and by taking a holiday or engaging in exciting and novel activities together.

Fact: Did you know people who enjoy regular sex enjoy better cardiovascular health and age better? Studies that show people who make love three times a week or more appear to others to be about a decade younger than they really are.

 

25 things…

I found this today! It was something I wrote a year a half ago when I was doing my Masters in journalism. Some of it is still true and parts of it are now less depressing (I find the further away I move from being a teenager the less maudlin I become!) I am going to post it because I think everyone should write one of these… it helps you remember who you are. Putting stuff down into words can make you realise something things about yourself. They are also fun to look back on in 10 or 20 years I reckon!

25 things about me..

1. I haven’t got time to write this but I am trying to avoid doing my tons of uni work. So far today I have been to the bank and post office, gone food shopping, taken out the recycling, emptied the dish washer, and changed the whole layout of my room and then tidied it so everything is sparkling.
2. I am doing an MA in newspaper journalism. It is very tough but I love it so much. It is harder then my degree in creative writing. Sometimes I miss being ‘allowed’ to be creative.
3. I am incredibly insecure. I always worry my friends will stop loving me, especially when they don’t get in touch for a few days or weeks. It’s ridiculous and insane but I can’t help it – I’m afraid of ending up alone.
4. I speak French and a few words of Valenciano and Italian. I speak Irish well enough and speak Spanish the best, it’s my second language. I lived in Spain for a year and went to school there. I hope to one day become completely fluent.
5. I would like to travel and write. I want to be a journalist for a few years or decades and then just write books. My sister is a writer who has three books out in Ireland. She died of cancer 3 and a half years ago, but she is still my hero.
6. My favourite colours are dark red and all different shades of blue.
7. My eyes are sometimes brown and sometimes green. I get very bored with my appearance.
8. I think writing this stuff might make people think I’m a little weird.
9. I love writing more then anything in the world, and if I couldn’t write I might actually die.
10. If I wasn’t a writer/journalist I would like to be either a councillor or an actress, but I don’t like people looking at me too much so I don’t know how well I would fare as an actress. I wish I could have 10 lives so I could try 10 different careers.
11. I studied dance full time for a year and was in a choir when I was younger who travelled to Rome to sing for the Pope. I can play guitar.
12. Three years tomorrow it is one of my best friend’s anniversaries. She died in a car crash when we were 20. I have a tattoo of her name on my back. 
13. My favourite writer and poet is Sylvia Plath.
14. I love rap music because its so many words and I live for words. I dated a rapper for 2 years but this wasn’t the reason! I also enjoy R & B, and rock and really embarrassing bands like Britney spears. My favourite band is Massive Attack.
15. I always look at other girls and compare them to me. They always seem to be so much prettier or smarter then me. I know it sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself but it’s the truth.
16. I have a really loyal family and so many amazing friends. My friends and family are immense. Sometimes I don’t know what I would do without them
17. I live with 9 other people, they are all so different and interesting, they open up my mind sometimes to different ways of life to my own.
18. My brain won’t ever turn off. I stay up late because I don’t like lying in the dark by myself. When I do that I think about death and ending up alone and all that scary shit… so instead I stay up really late until my eyes can’t physically stay open any more. I frequently oversleep my alarm for this reason.
19. I never used to drink coffee but since I’ve become a journalist I drink at least 2 cups a day.
20. I rarely eat breakfast but I always have huge dinners. I have been vegetarian on and off but am not at the moment. One day I will become vegetarian again because I really love animals. I did a marathon for the RSPCA last summer and raised 700 euro. I hate people who abuse animals and think they should be punished by doing the same back to them.
21. It makes me really sad when I think about people and animals who are suffering. So much so that when I am having a good day I can’t even be happy because I know that elsewhere there are people who aren’t.
22. When I was 17 I was really into drugs. I have dated so many weird guys I could write a book about weird guys.
23. I am obsessed with the environment and recycling. I am messy but clean.
24. Sometimes I hate myself and sometimes I like myself, but overall I get on very well in my own company. Sometimes I need my space to be me and be creative. When I can’t be creative or have me-time I get stressed and frustrated with life. I have a low concentration span sometimes and daydream a lot.
25. I want to end up living in Spain or Amsterdam. I want to work in New York for a year.. I want to visit so many more countries.

Get Ahead in the Dating Game

Their eyes lock across a crowded room, their heartbeats race and everyone else just disappears. Falling in love can be a unique experience. The product of millions of years of evolution; humans’ have found many ways to advertise their reproductive value.
In biological terms, men are looking for reproductively fit women to produce healthy children carrying their genes. And women want men with good genes and a caring mate who will protect and feed the family. Here’s some of the science behind the mating game that can help you get ahead…

1) Its how you smell…
You might lash on the perfume shamelessly but hold back a little on the Eau de Excess if you want to meet your most irresistible match. That’s because we can learn about a potential partner’s immune system from their natural smell. Studies show people prefer the smell of a potential mate whose immune system is different from their own. This makes good evolutionary sense because children born to couples who have dissimilar immune systems are more resistant to a greater number of diseases. This also means that there is no specific ‘irresistible’ male scent to females because it depends on what genes you have yourself. All the same, don’t throw out the deodorant. 

2) Get in shape
Looks are an instant and accurate method of assessing a potential partner’s genes, health and reproductive status. Women generally prefer men with broad shoulders tapering down to slim hips – a strong indicator of strength and athleticism which indicates ability to care for and protect a family. For the ladies, the appearance of youthful and a clear complexion are good indicators of fertility and so are healthy curves. A modest waist-to-hip ratio – a waist of about 70 per cent the width of a woman’s hips specifically – is a predictor of youth and good health. So if you’ve got the goods, flaunt them, and if you don’t, work on disguising your flaws.

3) Lighten up…
So now we know why Russell Brand gets all the ladies! Research shows, cracking a good joke is a great way to show off your intelligence and social skills. Both sexes are attracted to humour in potential partners, but in opposite ways. Women tend to appreciate men with a sense of humour, while men are more concerned with finding a partner who laughs at their jokes. One theory is that humour hints at the number of genetic mutations a person is carrying. If you make the wrong choice you could wake up with a terrible bore at best or a psychopath at worst. So don’t be afraid to roll with the banter!

4) Talk with your body
It’s no secret that most of what we say is through our body. Whether it’s the unconscious body language while chatting or from across the room without even talking to a person. For instance status, wealth and power can be conveyed in this way. Similarly women look for traits in men that indicate that they can provide well for them or are dominant. Physical presence is significant to this. Dominant men tend to take up more space than others. If you are male, to communicate status, try putting your feet up on a chair, stretching out your arms, or conferring with your mates to give you a bit of room. Be open and welcoming. Closed body positions, such as crossing your arms or legs, are an indicator of low social status or that you are not open to conversation.

5) Get glammed up
It might seem obvious, but it’s effective. Looking presentable can radically alter how people respond to you, especially if you’re female. Research on the effects of cosmetics use on women found, unsurprisingly enough, that we look better when wearing make-up than without. Eye make-up and foundation seem to be the most effective in improving attractiveness ratings. This is most likely to be because they allow women to even out skin tone and cover up blemishes. And dressing in your shortest skirt is fine but just remember men are also attracted to women as long-term partners if they appear chaste. Nun habits all round then.