You are what you eat

you-are-what-you-eat
So.. a new year, a new diet. It was on holiday over new year that I decided I was sick of carrying an imaginary food shaped baby in my 3 months non-pregnant belly. I was in the bathroom on holiday, and I just looked at myself and went – oh my god, I’m FAT. And not phat, as in cool, like fat as in weigh me on an industrial scales obese. It was the thighs that showed it first a couple of weeks ago. I pride myself on having nice upper legs, lean and shapely, gazelle like almost. But they were starting to look decidedly chubby and sumo-wrestler like. The bottom of my legs as in the calf area, are always like that of a robust gymnast or of a man training for the tour de france. My ancestors gregariously passed them on. I’m sure calves like mine come from the days of carrying pales of heavy milk to the shed to churn butter (where my granny elbows came in good use). These calves were then made to herd cattle, sheep, and goats. And grip onto a horse later whilst riding naked to the next town bearing a telegram. They are not that useful in the day and age of cars, tram and buses.. I never need to ride on a horse, and I don’t carry pales of milk around. I should have been given extra strong hands and wrists for my writing, but instead I got long fingers and thin feminine wrists, clearly made to wave like the queen or hold hands in victorian ballrooms, not useful at all. I always said to my recent ex that he was getting the best years of my thighs. I didn’t know how right I was until now..

So there it was in plain daylight, and in pictures too. I had come a cropper with a good few pounds, and all was not looking positive on the shagging front either, so no incentive to lose weight for anyone. To be honest, I’m happy being fat. But I am a little vain, especially if I think someone is going to possibly see me naked. Over the past few months that threat has not been around, so I suppose I let myself go a bit…

On holiday though, miraculously, even though I drank alcohol every day, I seemed to spend alot of time hungry. We only ate breakfast and dinner and snacks were just more hassle so we didn’t bother. We did alot of walking also, and hauling bags. For the first two days of the year I ate barely anything. And somehow, my stomach started to shrink. With that incentive I tried to eat a bit better. Then I saw Paul McKenna ‘I can make you thin’ on the telly (can you paul, can you??) His theory is to eat when you are hungry, eat what foods you want, but eat slowly and stop when you are full. Yes. I have been doing it for about three days and it kind of seems to work – well done Paul. Not only that but I went shopping today and bought alot of healthy food, AND I got compliments off my flatmates for having lost weight over Christmas! Impossible but true?

However, my good friend lent me this book by Dr. Gillian McKeith. My friend has just lost tons of weight with the help of Gillian and of course her own willpower, so I decided to read it to see what all the fuss was about. The book starts by spouting the usual old tripe about ‘oooh you’re damaging your heart can’t you see?!’ Problem is Gill, we know all that shit, it’s just trying to stop eating the shit thats the problem. So then she bangs on about eating fish, salad and pulses, nuts and beans (I don’t even know what a pulse looks like, beans are disgusting and nuts well.. I could happily never come across another nut as long as I live). 
If someone put a) a bowl of brazil nuts, pulses, and dry beans and b) a four cheeses pizza with homemade chips fried in tons of fat, with a side of garlic bread in front of me at dinner time, which am I going to choose? Lets just say, does a bear shit in the woods?

She does overall have a lot of good ideas, and stuff I didn’t know though. And honestly, when I have free time (ha! not likely!) Let me rephrase that, if I had free time, I would go to the health food shop and pick me up some wild blue-green algae or spirulina, perhaps a bit of flax oil, some barberry, alfalfa not to mention siberian ginseng. 
And I’ll definitely from now on never leave collards out of another meal, let me tell you. I can’t believe what I have been missing out on really. And I’m kind of worried because I know if next time I go to the shop I forget to pick up the mache and kail, I’ll be gutted. If I’m in need of good sex, I’ll forget about going out and looking for a man now too.
Just eat some aduki beans, dulse seaweed with some sprouted quinoa and a sprinkle of daikon root and you’re away in a sexual paradise of sorts. Hang on, I think I just over-loaded on sarcasm there.. give me a minute.

Not only that but she does this daily plan thing. I know I bang on about the fact that I’m doing an MA but seriously there is no way anyone could find a week to do this shit.. bear in mind most people who read her book have kids, or a job or shock of shocks – A Life.

Day 1
7.00 Gillians plan: Good morning exercise
Sineads plan: Lie under covers and pretend alarm is not going off, try and go back to sleep

7.15
Gillians plan: 1 cup of warm water with a squeeze of lemon, 1 cup nettle tea
Sineads plan: Is that alarm still going off?

7.30
Gillians plan: Go for a brisk walk for 30 minutes
Sineads plan: Forget the walk.. I have to wash or people might call me the girl who smells.. Drag body into shower stand half comatose wishing the world would end

8.15 BREAKFAST
Gillians plan: Large punnet of blueberries
Sineads plan: After a 30 minute walk all I get is f**king blueberries?!! are you mad?! Anyway where do you buy blueberries by the punnet? no time for food! grab fleeting coffee on way out the door

10.15 MID MORNING SNACK
Gillians plan: 1 cupful of steamed raw almonds and 3 or more stalks of celery
Sineads plan: How are steamed nuts and grass meant to fill me up? Call yourself a doctor..  I’ll raise you a bacon sandwich.

bacon-2

12pm
Gillians plan: After you’ve starved and died, go for another 20 min walk, get someone on watch too make sure you don’t collapse and die from malnutrition
Sineads plan: ?

12.30pm LUNCH
Gillians plan: Tuna fish on a  bed of spinach , HOLD the mayo – HOLD IT! Is that FAT I SEE?? get out of my sight with that mayo jar before I shoot the damn thing out of your hand! 6 cherry tomatoes.. not 7, not 5, SIX. Handful of dill herb. Squeeze raw lemon and dash of orange.
Sinead’s plan: no longer has plan to match this genius/maniac

3pm MID AFTERNOON SNACK
Gillians Plan: Steamed almonds, 1 whole raw pepper
Sineads plan: Again with the steamed nuts, whats the point in steaming them when they can be eaten raw? why would anyone want nuts again, is this woman nuts? whose ever eaten a whole pepper raw? the questions are endless..

a-pepper

6pm Dinner? no…
DANCE FOR 20 MINUTES.. just when you thought you had your sanity back..

6.30pm change out of dancing gear, explain to family and white coats you’re on strange diet.. DINNER
Small veggie juice: 1 cucumber and 1 celery stalk
Miso soup with tofu pieces and scallions
Organic turkey/chicken with steamed carrots and broccoli. Handful of mung bean sprouts (sounds fucking disgusting) and herbal leaves (probably not the type of herbal leaves I’d be interested in)

men-in-white-coats1

830-9pm GOODNIGHT EXERCISE
And no she’s not talking about a shagathon.. if you’re not ready to kill Gillian McKeith by then, you’ve lost your marbles, officially.

9pm mix it up a bit with an EVENING SNACK
1 OR even 2, if you’re feeling adventurous – RAW peaches, just in case you know, youre in the habit of cooking your fruit before you eat it?

So thats Gillian McKeiths day.. I’d like to just say one thing here. I am a supporter of healthy eating, and honestly, I really believe that exercise is awesome – it really does make you feel a million dollars. But this bird is off the wall, she’s a mad scobe, the monkeys are in the attic, she got a hit of a windmill, sandwich short of a picnic, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, bovvered face.. mad, bovvered.. I have no more to say on the subject.

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