How to date a guy by his profession..


COmPuTeR guys= can seem ver(y) EnDeaRing @ first. There’s just something about them that makes you want to take them home and snuggle up to them in front of an ultra trendy top of the range flat screen monitor. You can’t put your finger on it (its definitely not a mouse) but is it you or are they very sexy underneath that nerdy exterior? You sense a lack of imagination.. but that’s just your imagination right? Wrong. Don’t be fooled by the façade.. because when you go looking for that something deeper, you are sure never to find it. Searching for emotion underneath the depths of the computer guys is similar to the quest for other galaxies in shows such as Star Trek and Star Wars.. or anything else beginning with star or lord that he is likely to watch.

Just remember one thing- a man who gets on better with a machine then a human, is bound to have issues in the relationship department. A computer cannot talk back, a computer can’t nag him to come home for his tea, or call him on a night out. A computer has an off switch.

A lot of material is available on the internet.. I don’t need to fill you in on this- so your computer guy will be a minefield of useless information. He can Google anything he likes at his leisure ensuring him a rich and wonderless life full of answers. He knows everything about you too.. and don’t forget how he can hack into your email account and social networking account to read what your saying about him behind his back. He doesn’t understand the concept of doing things for fun- unless its virtual. Whats the point in walking when you can be teletransported? Letters.. ahem, what about email? He has never even heard the word letter, unless its referring to the squiggly lines drawn on his keyboard.

Computer guys have analytical brains with emphasise on the first part of the word analytical. They will remember that you promised to let them choose the movie (Alien Predator III), and they will remember how you shouted at them 5 weeks ago for not turning off their Nintendo when you had an attack of the vomiting bug.. they will remember everything in fact. Their data is stored on the C drive- in the bad girlfriend reports folder. When enough evidence comes to their attention, the C drive flashes red and they dump you. They erase all memory of you and are back out on the dating scene the next day.

When computer guys get a virus, it can take several days and trips to the doctor to get the antivirus to work (McAfee usually works if you break the disc into little pieces, and shove it down their throat) In this phase they will become very weak and are not likely to want company in case the blue screen of death comes up and they die. This is what they will tell you, in actual fact- they are relishing 16 hours a day with their Nintendo glued firmly to their paws.


Where to meet him


You can interface with a computer guy anywhere as even though half robot, they are amazingly camouflage and blend in with the crowd.

But there are certain places you are more likely to find them: the internet café for example, or the library in the fantasy section, at the back of a adult shop, the comic book store, computer shops, computer repair shops, computer conventions, on a forum, on a social networking site, or even in a chatroom.

When you meet him in a supermarket/club/internet café you are not really interested until you notice that he has a cute smile and twinkling blue eyes. Is it you but is his apparent vulnerability slightly appealing? Little do you know what is lurking beneath the human exterior. If you meet on a dating website beware, when you turn up he will not look like his picture as it will have been falsified. If it is a bad photo he will look exactly like this, and will have the personality to match. You might also be likely to meet in a bar, where he was out cruising for chicks (he says that in his head, never aloud). When you first meet him you will find him charming, aloof, shy. When you dig deeper you will find the indestructible narcissist who hasn’t got a shy bone in his body. The computer man is modelled on the robot- he does not feel. He simply ‘cruises for chicks’ and ‘interacts with computers’.



Your competition

Lara Croft or anything with buttons (keyboards, memory cards, PC’s, adapters, laptops, ipods, playstations and the Wii).


 Most likely to be heard saying:


  • I never said that, I said (repeats same sentence but changes one word).
  • The 8bit memory sticks are related to the HP laptop
  • What kind of a server have you got there?
  • I have no STDs I promise. I did a virus scan just this morning and I’m good to go.
  • What kind of software is Chlamydia and where can I buy it wholesale?


When to dump him:


  • He clicks start and shutdown on your face at night
  • He starts bringing bad girlfriend report documents out of the C drive for analysis- he’s about to dump you, get in their first.
  • He tells you he needs more time alone with the Nintendo. 

We ask the girls!

(*all the following accounts are completely fictional)

Martha 23, Retail Assistant Basingstoke:


‘I thought Marcus was gorgeous when I met him. Smart, talented and with twinkling blue eyes. I didn’t even mind that he wore glasses and his voice never changed tone- in fact, I thought it was kind of cute. When he invited me out for the first time we went to the cinema to see war of the worlds. He ate all the nachos, but I thought it was adorable that he could be himself with me so soon. Then in McDonalds afterwards he told me he was studying computers. I thought it was great that he had ambitions and plans. After 3 months he told me he didn’t like having long term relationships. I was gutted at first, and then realised after a while he meant long distance because I lived in the next town. We continued anyway seeing one another once a week for another few months. Then he told me he wanted more space to spend time with his Nintendo. I knew the relationship was on the rocks when he stopped MSNing me, and pressed my forehead once as if he was trying to switch me off. I tried giving him sexy photos of myself, all dressed up- but he merely photoshopped a famous models head onto my face before scanning it and using it as wallpaper on his PC. He broke up with me by email not long after stating the following ‘Martha, this just isn’t working for me anymore. Its not you, its wii’



Jenny 25, Carer, Bath:


‘I loved my computer boyfriend of 3 years. Callum was slightly obsessive which I didn’t realise until later on- he would open a bag of crisps and have to eat them in ‘very small bytes’ which he liked to call mega-bytes. He was sporty too- he had a passion for football on the Playstation and one weekend gained 2 pounds from Subuteo, even ordering delivery food so he barely had to let go of the console. We met when we were young, and very naïve. But in skpye of that, used to do really sweet things for me, like once on valentines day he sent me an e-card instead of a real one. He used to send lovely texts too ‘ur bum is gr8’. I thought things couldn’t get any better until he confessed to having an online affair and owning a huge stash of online porn. Her name was Katelyn and she was American- they had met in a chatroom. He and katelyn are now engaged and living in Seattle where he found a job after leaving college. He broke up with me by text stating the following ‘Sorry Jenny luv bytes but me and k8lyn- wii just have more in common. I c u more as a m8.. I hope u can adapter well to the change and meeting sum1 new is the key. I will mouse you greatly’





Tracy 19, Model, London:


‘I am still with my computer guy and everything is fine so far. We met a year ago at a gig. He is gorgeous with twinkling blue eyes and he likes all types of music- we both go to rock festivals. He hasn’t said he ‘luvs’ me yet, but I know he will one day- he’s just not very emotional. He spends at least 10- 20 hours a week with his playstation and a lot of time on the PC too obviously for college- I usually only see him when his thumbs or eyes are too sore to play anymore. He goes to the cinema with his mates mostly to see all of the guy type movies like ‘Star wars’ and ‘Lord of the Rings’ I don’t mind this as I go with the girls anyway. He told me if I ever gain weight he’ll find a new girlfriend but I laughed it off. This morning he texted me saying ‘Ur a fat bitch I and I 8 u’ but I know he doesn’t mean it, he’s lovely really!


Pros and Cons


Pro – Computer guys aren’t very passionate, which means at least they will rarely lose their temper with you. Cool, calculating and logical- sometimes it’s a case of its better the devil you know. 

Con – Computer guys aren’t very passionate.



                                                                   Lawyer Guys




‘Do you like this cardigan? Neither do I, so where were you on the 16th of August.. no I didn’t think so either, and how come there is a cardigan at home in your wardrobe exactly identical to the one on this mannequin right here?’. It is because it is a different cardigan, but you are scared. He is ducking and diving, the questions are getting more and more complex- is he trying to trip you up? It is then that you realise it might be safer to back right out of the shop and run for your life. Change your locks and phone number too just to be safe. It’s unlikely the lawyer will chase you after that- he wouldn’t want to look too eager, plus he knows what legally constitutes stalking- Is he bothered he lost you? Not particularly. Is he bothered he lost? Absolutely. He would be more likely to while away his days, when not suing or attending to a terribly important case, sulkily dreaming about how you had cellulite anyway and how he might be able to put you in prison for a previous offence as payback. You assaulted him once in front of a crowd (by defying to hold his hand) and you even ‘broke and entered’ his cupboard that morning while looking for the jam.

But dating a man who lies for a living is asking for trouble from the off. There is no reason why you wouldn’t be smitten by the lawyer when you first meet him. He exudes charm and confidence far beyond his years, even if he has red hair, he will remind you of an in control, sexy George Clooney type. But who can know whether he is lying or telling the truth? He lies so well! And bending the truth is his specialty ‘Were you out with another woman last night?’ he hears ‘Where you out with another woman last night?’ he was in bed with another woman last night but they never really went outside so he says no while looking deep into your eyes. ‘Does my bum look big in this’- ‘No’ not compared to an elephants.

So you’ve just met the lawyer. After you have checked his hand for a tan line on his wedding finger you may proceed with caution. You decide this time it will be different this time you’ll have morals.. but before you can say ‘objection your honour’, he will be taking you out to all the best restaurants and charming you home into his bed. He has that ‘it wasn’t me’ face, and a charisma of a cabaret performer, your tummy goes funny when he smiles. The baffling thing about lawyers is the older they get, the younger they act- its all part of the sorcery of the profession to weave through the psyche like a snake.

As a warning if you’re going the distance with a lawyer. When they say ‘make partner’ make sure they don’t ‘drop partner’. The law firms hours are long, and the legal secretaries skirts short. Pretty soon you could become the trophy wife that they use to cook dinner when they want to invite the other ‘partners’ around for a meal.  

However intelligent and sharp the lawyer may be, just remember one thing if he comes home late smelling of perfume, his ‘I’m a transvestite story’ is most certainly a lie.


Where to meet him


The foolproof way is to actually go and work in a law firm. There are many well paid secretary and receptionist positions open in many law firms, and the law firm will organise lots of socials where you can interact with the men themselves. If this is isn’t an option and if you actually have a life of your own, try going out to bars and clubs in the law and commercial district of town, look for men too drunk to move sat drooling over their suit a late on a friday night and slip your phone number into their pockets. Lawyers want a classy woman to show around town, even though they at times can be as classless as a piece of loo roll stuck to a shoe. So remember to wear something on the date that you would wear to your aunts wedding. Either this or stand on a street corner giving your most seductive pose- their standards are not that high.


Your competition

The legal secretaries, receptionists, other lawyers, prostitutes, social climbers, 18 year olds with big boobs, any women within a 50 mile radius.


Most likely to be heard saying:


  • I need a get out clause..
  • Oh.. what a tangles I’m in
  • I need this affidavit signed..
  • Tell them I’m ‘out of office’
  • I am in blood stepp’d so far, that to go o’er would be the same as to go back..
  • That is a lovely skirt
  • No I am absolutely not married.. why what have you heard?


When to dump him:


  • If you know he’s cheating
  • For the fifth time in a row he’s gone awol and is not answering his phone- he’s definitely cheating
  • He’s just spent the last half and hour telling you about the case he’s working on.. then when you try and tell him about how your granny is doing in intensive care his eyes glaze over and he looks at his watch continuously
  • His wife phones and tell you she’s his wife


Let’s hear it from the girls!


Trisha 25, Legal secretary, Nottingham

‘When I met martin I thought it was love at first sight. He had this unlawfully charming smile, and confidence that I hadn’t seen in ages. It was better then my ex who was a builder. I knew I shouldn’t because I was in a relationship but then so was he, and it appeared to be a happy one, so I thought it would never happen. But it did. I ended up in a hotel with him after a social event at work he told me ‘That’s a lovely skirt’. Afterwards he kept saying ‘Oh what a tangles’. We dated behind everyone’s back for 6 months and then he ended it stating ‘I’m still in love with my girlfriend’ when I asked him did he love me he said ‘I have strong feelings for you but I can’t really be judge and jury’ which wasn’t really a straight answer but then nothing he said ever was.’


Hannah, 27, Pole dancer, Norwich

‘I met Gavin when he came to the club where I work. I knew he was married, but it was all just a bit of fun. Usually I like to keep work separate but when he kept coming back I wondered was it more. Eventually he gave me his phone number. I thought it was strange when he stopped calling after about 2 months, but then again, he was a lawyer so..’


Mandy 18, Student, Cambridge


‘I met Henry when I was out clubbing. He seemed different, much nicer then guys my age and bought me drinks all night. We seemed to really connect.. that was why when he asked me back to his swanky apartment I agreed to go. The next day he was really iffy about getting me out as soon as he could. He seemed like he didn’t want me around. I told him he was a tosser, and left without a backwards glance. I have a few mates who are going to egg his place next weekend so it’s okay- I’m actually not even bothered. He was actually crap in bed also, put that bit in please..’


Why we love the lawyer guy

He’s got loads of cash


Why we don’t

He thinks monogamy means being with the same bank for over 12 years. He thinks safe sex is a padded headboard. He thinks your dress is nice.