I need a spiderman

We’re a thousand times bigger then them.. but they are a million times scarier. No, I’m not talking about calories.. it’s quite obviously the 8 legged nemisis we call spiders. Tonight, as I write this I am hunched under my duvet on the couch. It is nearly 3am and I am exhausted. For the past two hours I have battled a spider.
I went to bed late, exited about sleep. I got into bed, oh its so comfy… oh hello – what’s this, I said, like a member of the famous five discovering a cave. Joe – as I called him, was in the corner, his lanky limbs flailing around trying to build a web. He was large – not as large as the tarantuala would-need-his-own-seat-on-a-plane sized one seen in our house just weeks ago, but big enough to go on my radar as offically ‘too big’ to co-habitate with me tonight. There are levels – size is all important. Small ones might be allowed to stay, but bigger ones are a definite no. The other more important thing I judge it on it – are they moving, and if so – how fast, and in what direction. Joe was definitely in the ‘I am not sleeping with you while you are here’ category. He circled the room, rather slowly as I watched him doubtfully. ‘It’s me or you big guy’ I told him. He did not reply, every time he lost his footing and dangled a bit, I shivered involuntarily. ‘Please leave’? I asked him nicely. My advice was not heeded.
He crawled towards me ‘If you come to close, I will have to kill you.’ I warned, like a woman on the edge. I know I will never go through with this threat as I would feel too guilty if I killed Joe, especially now as he has a name and everything. For the next hour I watched him.. I was cold, sleepy and desperately resentful. ‘Fine,’ I muttered ‘Its you or me, I’m taking control..’ I pick up a paper and stood there not able to move. Then I realised that it was bigger then me, this fear. Bigger then both me and Joe put together. I threw the paper and missed. Joe froze. I tried again. Then I took a 20 minute break to watch him some more. Eventually I gathered all of my courage when he was no longer near my bed. And threw the paper. It hit Joe but it wasnt enough to hurt him he was simply knocked from the ceiling and caught himself on his amazing spider web half way down, and then climbed back up. Damn, I thought ready to cry.
Fine! I said to Joe I’m sleeping on the sofa. And so I gathered my covers. Now I am here, about to go asleep. I know that lurking in a corner of this sitting room is probably a bigger spider, but that is the chance I must take I am afraid. Joe can enjoy my bedroom. Meanwhile maybe I need to find a man who can catch a spider, for as long as I am single this trend will continue.